Dreams Work

On the benefits of teaching

2012-01-03T09:06:00.002+08:00

If you're my student and you're reading this, then you may or may not have noticed that the 2011 academic year hasn't been that smooth for me. i'm more irritable than usual, much less patient, have much less room for jokes and laughter in my classes, and almost NO dead time. usually, that may be a good thing. less dead time and pointless gags means that my students learn more, and i manage to stuff more information into their heads. problem is, students tend to have a maximum amount of knowledge they can absorb in any given course, and if every lesson is like reading from an encyclopedia, the kids shut down.

after months of shoving substance down my students' throats after receiving an "enquiry" from a parent why i took so much time off after my wedding and my post-wedding recovery, i thought i could compensate by aggressive, intensive teaching. there's also another reason why i'm especially tense this year - a lot is on the line, if you know what i mean. it's been 2 years, and my heart is nudging me to get better or get lost. this is the aggressive bone in me. problem is, teaching is a particularly non-competitive industry, not really well-suited for those who are overly ambitious (= me). i've been repeatedly telling myself that if i see no future here, i've got to get a move on it, which has made me increasingly paranoid that i'm going to do something wrong that will screw it all up. it also doesn't help that it seems that a million eyes are watching.

however, upon returning from my exhausting yet nice honeymoon with my everdearest, i took some time out to unwrap the gifts and cards that my students had sent to me before the holidays. i always enjoy reading these cards because i get a glimpse of what the students think about me - something that a teacher rarely gets to see. at first, coming back to school after a long honeymoon in a place where no one understands what you're saying is bound to lead to major withdrawal - i was not looking forward to getting back into the groove of things AT ALL. but these encouraging words from students helped me bounce ALMOST right back into my want, and need, to be a good and responsible educator - one that will inspire students to become more than just someone who gets a good mark, but one who makes a good difference.

it was then, and now, that i realize that my rewards in teaching have never been extrinsic. sure, the holidays aren't bad and the pay gets me by in hk, but the core of it, is the privilege i hold in being able to mould a young mind, and their destiny. sounds kind of scary, but just as spiderman says, "with great power, comes great responsibility". who i should be impressing, then, is not my principal, department head, or class teacher. it shouldn't be the senior teachers who frown when i walk in late or dress a tad too casually. it should be these young minds that are waiting to be freed, and that are eager to learn more from me. i am privileged because i get an hour each week in most of these classes, to change their minds, to get them to see things from a new light, to get them to think of something they've never thought about. THIS should be my motivation. because the greatest reward of all as a teacher, is knowing that we've made a difference to one of those minds, who might just very well change the world.

on activism

2011-12-08T13:37:00.002+08:00

if i could list out all the things that anger me in the world, you and i would both be really busy. but let's just concentrate on one today.

those who know me will know that i'm a very socially-aware person. well, at least, i care passionately about social issues and social justice, and i believe that every citizen has to right and the responsibility to do their part in making their society a little more livable for others. this mentality is well-aligned with the recent efforts of the Occupy Movement, which has been stirring quite a storm of controversy for the past few months. everyone seems to have something to say about them - they're righteous and impractical, freedom-fighters and annoying, honourable and hypocritical - no matter what your stance, i'm sure you at least have an opinion on their relentless efforts to stir the pot.

many people commenting on news articles about #Occupy think that these people are just lazy, uneducated bums who don't want to get a job. in fact, the sentiment is very commonly seen around the world, and is often made by political leaders who want to manipulate the public through mass media that these people are just an uncontrolled crowd who won't get off their asses to find a proper job. in fact, these people are well-educated, have jobs, and have families. they are NOT the most disadvantaged or the most underprivileged. some of them are professors, others work in financial sectors as well. they are commonfolks like you and me, but the difference is - they can see what inequality is doing to our society.

you see, where there are hardworking people, there are lazy people. but the difference that makes a thriving workplace, organization, or country, is that the people actually care about the needs and demands of the people who are working harder than the rest. what angers me the most is that there are many people who are so blind to the system. they don't understand that they only got to where they are because of the privileges that they have gotten through the biased system. newsflash: it's not your hard work or impressive resume that paid off, well yes, it may be, but it was also because you were born to a family where you had opportunities given to you in education to begin with. i don't understand why complaining about working 50 hours a week makes me socialist or idealistic or lazy - in fact, i think the people who realize this way of working is unsustainable are the actual realists. just take a look at our society - everyone has a university or college degree, people are working jobs that are definitely undermining their abilities and potentials....what are we really doing here? what are we working for? when life hands you nothing but lemons even though you've followed the formula and worked hard to follow your so-called dreams, why NOT protest? why not occupy?

the thing that people need to realise is that, people are angry. and they have the right to be. there's been decades of empty promises, and all people are left with are heavy school debts and no careeer. or a career, but no life. no one would sit on the street and complain for two months if they felt like they had better options. what the movement is about is awareness - is knowing that this has to stop. if you are one of the people who are complaining about the noise and rubbish and disorderly conduct of these protestors, it's time to wake up - this is just the beginning. when your kids or grandkids or nephews and nieces all have degrees and masters and no future, you'll see it's not really a world of possibilities out there. these people are trying to make a difference. be as it might that their causes are scattered, at least they know who they're aiming at.

inside the mind of a teacher

2011-11-28T14:48:00.002+08:00

i can't write this on my facebook, for fear that my students and colleagues will read this and judge me. nor can i just hold it in and try to forget about it and move on and be an effective and mature educator.

so here I am.

It is REALLY not easy to be a good teacher. i spend hours upon hours thinking of the perfect lesson plans with the perfect resources and the perfect information in hopes of helping my students succeed. especially in the hk education system, where the stakes are high and the pressure to succeed is immense due to the public examinations, there is just no wiggle room for laziness, both for myself and the students. in order to ease their many worries about the upcoming exams, i have tried to prepare as much as possible to help guide them through. which is why when i see students dozing off in class or looking at other things or rolling their eyes, i DO take it personally. i can't help but to take it personally.

i know, i know. i know that there are a million reasons for them to not want to pay attention in class, and i know that i shouldn't attribute it all to myself. in fact, i know that this interpretation is rather egotistical and ill-intended, since my job as an educator shouldn't to brainwash them, but to give them choices and yaddy yaddy yadda. the problem is, though, that i only have about an hour to put all my thinking and planning and love and care and hard work into good use, and when i see the students disappearing while they're still in their seats, it frikken hurts. i feel disappointed and defeated, broken and hopeless. i don't want to think that these are bad kids, but sometimes i can't help but to question it. if i am working so hard to help you succeed when all you do is complain without trying your best, then where does that leave us? where does that leave you?

i'm sick of having to apologize for boring lessons. the lesson isn't boring. hell, i know for sure that it's not ME who's boring either. the problem is that nowadays students think that it's the teachers' jobs to entertain them and to give them a good show like everything on tv, rather than to just give them some time and space for thinking. they keep telling me that they can't get themselves to care about global warming and political affairs so i shouldn't teach it, but i feel like this is all wrong. maybe it's time that teens DO start caring about things like global warming and political affairs. afterall, they're the ones who are going to be around to suffer from their consequences when their teachers are already buried deep beneath the ground.

on dreams

2011-11-01T20:36:00.002+08:00

as a married woman, some people might think that my only dream should be to buy my own house, get a piece of the American (or Hong Kong, i guess) Dream, and start planning how many kids I'm going to have. While the feminist in me wants on blow these off and start a rant about keeping women in the workforce (hellooooo liberal studies lesson!), i must admit that i have been very much entertaining these thoughts post-marriage.

as extraordinarily different i had thought myself of being, now that i am married and quite settled in my career, i have started to think about whether it is kids and a house with a nice kitchen that i want in my life...whether there is anything else to want. you see, i have my wonderful husband to thank and blame for that - he has given me everything i could possibly want. we have stable jobs, with a promising and exciting new career on the side for him, a variety of pets, a relationship that people write movies about, and everything that you could possibly want at just past quarter century. really, there's nothing more to want. i have a husband who walks me downstairs to wait with me for a cab on days where he doesn't have to work, and a husband who updates his facebook statuses about how much he loves me on a regular basis. let's admit it - i'm damn lucky.

but of course there's the other part of me that wants to pursue other dreams. i was looking through my old emails today, and came across a series of articles i had written for my old workplace. i was the editor-in-chief for a very big piece of propaganda at my previous company, and had written pretty much every single piece in the magazine that was supposed to be the up-and-coming news source for drama education, but clearly, was just a big fat advertisement for my then-employer. as exploited as i had felt back then when being chased for the deadlines, i feel a real sense of accomplishment remembering the creativity and talent that i had as an inexperienced writer. writing was something that came natural to me, and words seemed to flow out of my fingertips as effortlessly as - well, as i now teach.

i always told myself that if i didn't teach, i would write. in fact, i see myself more as a writer than as a teacher. don't get me wrong - teaching is great. there's nothing that feels quite the same as when you say something in class that makes all your students' lightbulbs switch on at the same time. but writing has another sense of empowerment, a sense of mystery, where you don't have to worry about what you are really writing, or how it will be received, because you know that in that moment, it is just what you want to say.

i'm not really sure what i'm trying to get at here, but i did want to revisit my blog to just make sure i hadn't "forgotten" how to write - or that i wanted to be a writer. some day, some day soon, i promise that i will have something with my name on it out there. somewhere out there.

desserts is not just stressed spelled backwards

2011-09-12T17:06:00.002+08:00

because i'm so stressed, that it's not even funny.

nothing productive on my blog today, just a regular girl doing some complaining before her big day. lately, i've been in serious need of a friend. like, a real friend. a friend who can give me a hug and tell me that it's all going to be okay and that i've been doing a good job. a friend that can tell me everything will be fine, even if things don't go as planned. a friend who will tell me i'm beautiful and that God will take care of me.

here is a list of what's wrong:
- there are many things left unprepared for the wedding. that includes decorations, seating plans, transportation arrangements, living arrangements for guests, shoes, accessories, music, worship, flower girl arrangement, hairstyles, bridesmaids and groomsmen wear, engagement pictures, slideshows, videos, the surprise, the first dance, etc. etc. etc.
- i have no time. the list above seems never-ending, yet the time i have available is ever-so-limited. i've got one month and a day, and about 4 months of lesson plans to complete. not to mention all the other side projects i've signed on to since apparently, i'm insane and i like to subject myself to impossible amounts of work.
- my face keeps falling apart. i'm not kidding. apparently i've developed a skin infection under sunlight, and every time i step into the sun to do simple shopping, even when i have sunscreen and a hat on, my face gets all swollen, red, and itchy. it's like the ultimate punishment for a bride-to-be.
- i have no friends. i know, not a cool thing to say on a public blog, but i might as well admit it. i really don't have many friends at all. and i've got no time to make new ones, or foster the older ones. i simply HAVE NO TIME. for anything.

i guess now that i've typed it out, it doesn't seem so bad. don't really know what to say except...i really hope october 14th ends quickly, so i can stop being the monster that i've been for these past few months and get on with my life.

some thoughts

2011-09-07T12:22:00.002+08:00

just thought i'd drop by today and say....

I FREAKING LOVE MY JOB!!!!!

that's it. now back to your regularly-scheduled program of no-nonsense lesson planning. HEE-HAW!

on the sizzling passion that some of us have left behind

2011-09-02T23:44:00.003+08:00

it's a friday night, after the first day of actual classes at school, and needless to say, i am VERY TIRED.

but, even as i am seriously running on reserves, i had to take some time to blog about what's going on through my head at the moment. i've been bad, i know. i've had an entire summer to do some productive blogging and planning about how to move my dreams forward, but i have indulged in the guilty pleasures of doing pretty much nothing and obsessive wedding planning.

but i've changed. i'm a changed woman now. i've decided to get my ass back on this blog to talk about something that's really close to heart for me. it's about changing the world.

yeah, i know. you read this shit all the time. i'm gonna make a difference! be the change you want to see in the world! yaddy yaddy yadda! but no, seriously. for once in my life, i am taking actual steps to start realizing my dream.

this year, i am officially starting my own team at school, very uncreatively-termed "Social Awareness Enhancement Team" *applause please*. it doesn't sound very fancy, and in fact, could be very well misunderstood as one of those, meet every month and talk about current events clubs, but i'm not having any of that. i'm determined to make this thing socially mobile, provoking awareness from all corners of the school, and eventually, of Hong Kong. i feel like often times, we all feel this tingling sensation that we should do something, that something could be done, but at the same time, fall back in the same old pattern of thinking, what's the point? it's not going to make a difference anyway. let's go back to our regularly-scheduled program. i get it. i do it all the time. in fact, living and working in hk, most of the times i'm so tired that my brain isn't even switched off by the time i step back through the front door and into my home. but at the same time, there's always a nagging sensation of emptiness, something that calls me to do something more.

remember how it was like to be young and to care about everything? i mean, literally, EVERYTHING. to have all these random ideas that you couldn't wait to write down in your notebook and try to execute, to care about all these causes like their fate would be a matter of life and death to you? why is it that now that we're older, nothing really matters that much to us anymore? what matters? getting off work at the right time, getting the right promotion, making dinner right...since when? since when did these non-issues become such great matters of consequence?

i'm gonna keep my readers updated, as to what my plans will be, how i will plan to execute this, and what kind of ideas i have. and, maybe, just maybe, i will start the kind of revolution i imagined in HK. the good kind.

keep in touch.

on power

2011-05-05T10:07:00.004+08:00

Since I have completely misplaced my vocal chords and now have the voice of kermit the frog, i was searching online for interesting documentaries about trade i could show to my students instead of giving them a free lesson to sleep or do other work (yes, i'm evil like that). i came across a few pretty interesting finds (if you're interested, search free + fair trade on youtube), and in particular, one of them was of Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, who was explaining that everything on his hand was a symbol of what he believed in. one of them was a big equal sign on the back of his hand, which symbolized his deep belief in fair trade, since we should give back what we take from others.

it was so inspiring to see such a talented musician be passionate about something other than his own fame or success, and it occurred to me that one of the very big problems of this world is that many of those who care most passionately about the big issues in the world, are unfortunately, usually people that do not have the resources to make a big impact. Karl Marx imagined a revolution powered and engineered by the common masses - something that we have utterly failed to do for him, since we have become so globally knitted and intertwined, yet more distant, disconnected, and differentiated from others than ever. i won't go into the details of my theories of why we no longer have a sense of community or connectedness, but the fact is this - somewhere along the line, regular joe's and mary's like us, who have worked hard to climb out of the stickiness of the lower and middle classes, have figured that helping out the rest of the little people was no longer an important task in their social or political agenda, and have left us jumping up in hopes of grasping that little piece of leftover cheese that the rich dangle over our heads.

so what happened? well, power happened. you see, once you put both power and money into play, the picture becomes so much clearer. suddenly you have all this money to spend, and all this influence, people who think you are important and worship you and praise you for your ability to do so well for yourself and your family. you need a nice, well-furnished and spacey sub-urban home and a new, powerful SUV or Benz to show just how well you can provide for yourself, and since you've made all those long-term investments, well, that means you have to work even harder to make sure the money keeps coming in. or else, where else are your kids and pets and clothes and electronic devices and your ego, going to live? God forbid, you can't go back to being one of those lowly regular Joe's that wear clothing from Gap or Blue Navy (or Giordano if you're from HK)...or can you?

being rich and powerful consumes us with the need and the drive to continue pursuing being more rich or more powerful. or at least, making sure we don't fall back into the bottom ranks. with inflation being such a convenient excuse (hey, i have to grow my money or it'll all be worth nothing!), who can blame them? but all these preoccupations leave very little time to make an impact on the people who are still waiting to be lifted up from their gravely unfair and undesirable conditions of living. what people should realize and constantly remind themselves of, is that power is not an end in itself. power is supposed to be used for something. to create some sort of positive change or influence.

so what i ask is this. since i feel like i'm starting to get a steady flow of readership from random next blog clickers,

If you are someone who is of importance or influence, do or say something that is important.

in fact, make it your daily exercise of doing and saying things that are only important, because what you say and what you do is heard much louder than what us little people say, and any waste of that power that was blessed upon you, is really, truly, a shame.

on popularity

2011-05-04T09:04:00.003+08:00

acceptance is a funny thing. we all want it - whether it's from your peers, your boss, your wife, your cat, or just from a stranger who's walking down the street. but, once we don't have it, we turn into a pretty powerful being.

what do i mean? allow me to elaborate (and of course you will, as this is my blog and even if you close this window it doesn't mean my blog will cease to exist, but i digress). remember being like, 14, and thinking that everything that mattered to you was fitting in, talking to the right people, wearing the right clothes, and kissing the right boys? and remember how much effort being a groupie actually took? you had to keep updated with your music, make sure you had enough money to spend on clothes, make fun of the right people and check the right sites...so you know what i mean. the point is, fitting in can be exhausting, especially when and since - let's face it - we're all not really who our friends want us to be.

but what happens is that life plays cruel tricks on us and the popular kids - the ones who fit in in the cookie cutter world - are also now the brainless, colourless, emotionless freaks that serve society as is, without ever pausing to question or think about the meaning of life. they may be "happy" yes, no one's denying that, but at the same time, they're missing that bitter, slightly hateful edge that most of the outcasts have. you see, those who have been weird and different and excluded and misunderstood pretty much their whole lives aren't afraid to question things. in fact, they question everything. why is life so unfair? why do the stupid girls get all the luck? why don't people see how fake she is? etc, etc. And, if they're smart enough, they move on to bigger questions, the ones that i ask: why are we confined by what society expects us to do anyway? who is society? why want to be normal, anyway?

i'm not suggesting that i'm smarter than most well-adjusted individuals in society (well, actually yea i am, bite me), what i'm trying to say is that being lonely isn't really all that miserable. and well, being "cool", well, it's not really worth all the hype either. not being included to all the social events that are on my peers' social calendars allows me time and freedom to explore deeper questions in life, and gives me time to read up on things that make me feel like, on the whole, a more "useful" person.

so at the risk of sounding painfully like an infomercial, i guess what i want to say is this: feel like you have no friends? like no one understands you? like it's tiring to keep up with the charades and pretend that you're interested in purses and shoes and Beyonce's dress? well, congratulations.

now go change the world.

on the middle finger

2011-04-27T21:15:00.002+08:00

you know, being a teacher, it really restricts me on the stuff i can let loose about on my facebook. it really drives me nuts sometimes, how i have to keep up this public image of myself, when inside, i want to be the angry, bitter, and sometimes vulgar and REAL breathing, feeling, human being that i am.

let's face it - it hasn't been a sunny year for me. work has been busy and stressful, i've had deaths in the family, and bs upon bs to deal with, not to mention my best friend/maid of honour giving me the biggest headache to date of all. but i've always been told what the root of all the problems were - i'm too weak. too caring. want too much to please others, try to hard. too serious.

well then, you asked for it.

feel my wrath, and feel what it's like to be completely frozen. out of my world, out of my life. i DON'T forgive you. and you don't deserve having me. not today, and possibly, not ever.

here's to the middle finger.

on motives

2011-04-27T00:45:00.004+08:00

why do you come here?

is it because you know me, and care about me, personally, and want to know intimate details of my life?

or is it because you've read one or two entries of mine, and feel intrigued by my thoughts?

is it because you like me and you want to get to know me better?

or is it because you hate me, and want to find more and more reasons to by nit-picking on the things i say (or don't say)?

well, i'm sorry then, because today's entry probably won't satisfy most of your thirsts. see, i always try to write with a purpose, with a thought-provoking message that would apply to most of the developed population, and not just for me. but today, i can't. today, i'm drunk on emotions, and i feel broken and hurt, and that i need a little more than just some chocolate or a chat with God to fix my shattered heart.

do you ever wonder how many hearts you've broken? there is this quote on One Tree Hill, that i can't be bothered to dig up again, that talk about being in the background of someone's picture. ever wondered how many of those pictures we've been in? how much impact we've made on someone else's life without giving any thought to it at all? ever thought about how something you said or the way you dismissed someone while busy at work could keep them up all night, crying themselves to sleep, wishing that they'd never lived?

i highly encourage you to think about it then. sometimes, the things we say, the things we don't mean, make the biggest impact of all.

on corrections

2011-04-08T23:22:00.002+08:00

remember all that stuff i said about success yesterday?

well, i take it all back. i know exactly what success feels like.
it's the moment i step onto the stage after watching a perfect show from my perfect students put together by my perfect partner - and drink up the applause.

that, my friends, is what success feels like.

on vindication

2011-04-07T11:25:00.003+08:00

do you ever live your life waiting for that moment where you feel like you'll get all your work done, and then you'll get to sit back and relax and enjoy the view, and reflect on what a great job you've done? or the feeling that you've been wronged, and you wait for the day where everyone understands the kind of person you've been all along, and thank you and apologize to you for all the ways they've misjudged you and made your life so darn difficult? feels good to daydream about that moment, doesn't it?

but of course, that moment wil never really come. i don't know when it was exactly that i finally reached this conclusion: that things are never really going to be "all right". strikes me as a little odd, considering i've never been a pessimistic person. heck, it's what got me to this point in the first place, what's left me standing when i could have given up ages ago. but i think, the reason why so many of us are so miserable so often, is because we really think that that point in time will come - the point where all things will be "settled".

it's what makes us live like pavlovian dogs, salivating and waiting for our special treat. and we don't rest until we do. we work, we play, we complain, we moan and groan and make demands. we resolve to change and work harder, we jump and jump and jump - but it never comes. work never gets done, because let's face it - once we finish the big piece of steak on our plate (not exactly a wagu-quality one, mind you), the next big piece of shit comes. and the next, and the next. there's always something else. always. in fact, could you imagine how boring life would be if there wasn't the next big thing? honestly, i think we'd see a much higher rate in suicides if everyone just got one basic, big assignment in life, and when they finish it, they could just go back to their video games or whatnot. i mean, what else would there be to live for then? where's the challenge?

the problem is, some people don't realize this, and really expect that they should be rewarded for every single piece of hard work they produce. and it's not their fault, really. it's the fault of the lies that we're fed from the time we're young, that we will get there when we work hard and do the right things and cross the right roads. well of course it isn't that simple. and the poor people - they get no lucky break. what movies and books and disney cartoons don't tell them is that happily ever after doesn't happen at the end of the conflict - it happens at the beginning of the entire show, the moment when you make the attitude change and the cognitive change to accept the fact that shit is most inevitably GOING to hit the fan. and, along with that, realize that there will only be brief, fleeting moments in life, where you will get a chance to stop, evaluate, smell the roses and say, "well, this ain't too bad."

the remaining 99.9% of the time, it's a struggle. i don't know which crazy researcher put forth the statistic that the really bad things only happen to us 10% of the time or whatnot. but i insist that it's a lie. ask any person living in the developed world and they will tell you - most people are miserable 99% of the time. but, if you just catch yourself before you long for that special moment, and realize that the special moment is NOW, anytime, in the middle of your mid-day coffee, or before you brush your teeth, or while you're wiping down yourself after your shower - that you have the freedom to say "pause" to the world, and congratulate yourself on the job well-done - then well, you've reached your happily ever after.

because let's face it - if we don't tell ourselves how good a job we've done, who else is going to do it? success is not the moment where you accomplish everything you hoped you would - that's death. success is those random, occasional split seconds in your life, where you understand that you only got to where you've gotten to now because you never stopped fighting.

congratulations.

let's....

2011-04-01T11:38:00.001+08:00

let's build for us a society where farmers are honoured more than doctors.

on escapes

2011-03-15T19:33:00.003+08:00

it's been almost too long since i've written. i've been so busy with everything that's been going on in my life that i definitely haven't had the time to sit down and think about things. however, with all that's been buzzing around the world, i feel like it's a good time to put things on pause, and write a little. so here goes...

the topic of the day is something that's been too often talked about and written about. in fact, it's so overplayed that i feel rather bogus writing about this in my blog. it really isn't my fault that my ideas aren't too inventive. afterall, i spend my life planning lessons for 16 and 17 year-olds on a daily basis. really now, how revolutionary can i be? but in any case, i was thinking about the curse of the middle class, and it struck me as extremely sad and ironic that the only thing most people in hk work for and towards nowadays (especially those in the middle class without children) is their next vacation. flashback to the times where traveling was basically a luxury that only a select few could afford. otherwise, everyone would be pretty much content and did rather well, just surviving in their own boring world for the holidays.

but now, we have choices you say. we have options. we don't HAVE to stay in a high-paced, workaholic and Mainlander-filled hong kong, where everyone is impatient and pushing and moody. hmmm...have you ever thought about why people are impatient and pushing and moody? maybe it's because everyone is impatiently waiting for the next vacation. have you ever wondered why hk people need a vacation SO DESPERATELY? maybe because we work ourselves so hard that we don't even give ourselves reasonable time to rest and enjoy our regular lives! but why do we work so hard and push ourselves to continue working so hard? because we need the money to be able to afford a better house/that trip to france/that new ipad 2/that new puppy/that chanel bag/that liposuction. so it's all a big catch-22, ain't it?

we work so hard, so we're fed lies by these companies that their products and services will offer us the escape that we need, the escape that we deserve, that escape that will fix everything - until we return and step back on the hamster wheel. but, if we never strive for that vacation or that house or that bag in the first place, we will never have to work ourselves to the point that we hate our lives. and we do. we all very much do. work makes 99.9% of hong kong people, and most other people in the industrialized world, hate their lives.

ah, but it's not for the material goods that money can buy, you say. it's for the status and the self-esteem and the feeling of satisfaction you get from being great at your job and accomplishing so much. which is all fine and dandy, until you factor into the fact that this very concept is also a concept that was fed to you by rich, multinational companies that really just want you to work more and buy more. it's a wonderful idea, isn't it? you need the stuff to show your status, and to get to that desirable status, you need to work hard for them in helping them sell their stuff. so who is really benefiting here - your ego, or their wallets? why is it that we need to be solely defined by how "good" we are at work? what about how good we are in other things? as a mother, i suppose? or as a neighbour? who says the "best" worker is the one who stays back the latest? WHO HAS FED US THESE LIES?

as i am teaching my kids about the powers of the transnational corporations, i am increasingly alarmed at how much we've bought into this mess. myself included. how to prove to everyone that i've won at the life game? get a good, respectable job. buy a house. build a family. and by doing all these things, we fall into their trap - a life cycle of consumption after consumption, without really having time at all to stop and think about the things that really matter. ask questions that really matter.

like, for instance, what am i doing on vacation anyway, when the life i live is some people's idea of heaven?

on family

2011-02-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

i don't know what kind of background you come from, but if you know anything about me, you'd know that i'm not particularly glad about my family background.

i don't know what it is about moms that sometimes the things they say (or don't say) can hurt so much. For a 25-year-old who's about to get married, i guess it must be kind of silly for me to still be fazed over something that my mom said. but to be honest, i really don't remember the last conversation i had with her where i didn't feel horrible.

i always thought part of growing up was owning up to our mistakes, and being able to see things in a different light. but i guess some people just never grow out of denial. some people also apparently feel no shame even after her daughter tells her to her face that she made her almost try to kill herself. i've spent so much of my life asking why, asking why i have to have a mother like this. and then trying to love her better, to accept her more, to make her happy, just so that she could magically morph into the kind of person i imagined her to be. it's really taken me too long to accept that the person i imagined never really existed at all - except in my head.

i can't type about my mother eloquently, which really sucks, because my life would make a kick-ass biography. heck, i can't even talk about her normally. i just wish....i wish i didn't spend so much of my time wishing i had another mother. a mother who understood. a mother who cared.

on insights

2011-01-07T15:32:00.004+08:00

i'm feeling super bloggerific today, and it's the first moment of 2011 in which i feel like i am compelled to say something worth saying, so i'm super excited. granted, the title of today's entry is kind of uninteresting and cliche, but actually, it's something that i'm starting to feel quite strongly about.

today i incidentally had lunch with my students. usually that gets to be a pretty routine practice, with the girls chatting amongst themselves about whatever it is interests them these days, and pretty much forgetting that i'm even sitting there at all. but today, i was bombarded by the most intriguing questions from one of my form 2 students. well, the thing about being a teacher is, you pretty much have to be well-equipped with model answers at every instant, because you don't want to give an answer that wrecks your image as a "teacher". so you can imagine what kind of interesting things i had to say when my student asked me, "what should you do when you've treated someone very very well and in the end you've been betrayed and you find out that they've hated you all along?"

well, let's see. the first thing i wanted to say on impulse was, "oh, i get that all the time. fuck them." of course, that can't come out in a way that can be justified, so i had to cleverly rephrase. and what's the best way to come up with universally-accepted model answers for ethical dilemmas? pin it down on Jesus. and that's exactly what i did. i told her matter-of-factly that in life, you can never get everyone to like you (sounds cliche enough), and that no matter what you do, there will always be some people who won't approve of who you are or what you do. take me for example. i know for a fact that i always give 110% in all my teaching and give all of my love and care and attention to my ever-so-demanding students. but are there students who hate me? yes! are there students who think i suck? of course! does that bother me? MORE THAN YOU WOULD KNOW. BUT, under Christianity, we know that it doesn't matter.

and i'm not going to say it doesn't matter because Jesus loves us and that's all that matters. I'm not going to say that we're all going to die and go to heaven anyway so it doesn't matter. i'm not even going to say that we should judge ourselves before judging others so it doesn't matter. what i'm going to say is, we were never meant to do something strictly for the rewards, anyway.

i've blogged about this before, so for those (two) of you who are loyal readers, this is no revelation. but for me, it actually is. i explained to my students that we don't do things to plan for the kind of rewards we expect to receive, because the rewards God plans to give us by far exceed any type of rewards we could possibly imagine. i don't mean those in heaven and the gift of eternal life. granted, that's the biggest reward you could ever ask for. but let's be honest, who's really thinking about that when you want your boss to give you your well-deserved recognition or you want your friend to call you back or you want your boyfriend to understand your feelings when you're fighting? no one. what we're thinking about is, "why are people like this? why don't i get what i deserve? why do i keep putting everything i have, every part of me, being the best i can be, only to be treated unfairly in return? why??"

and the answer? because when you do the right things, no matter what the consequences are, you will get your rewards through other means. that is the rock of our faith. not that i will get what i want when i follow God's instructions, but that i will get what i need. how am i supposed to get the rewards i ask for when i don't even know what kind of rewards i could have? it's like asking for an iphone that hasn't been invented yet. but that is the enormous amount of faith that God is asking us to have. trust me, and I will bless you in other ways. trust me, and you will see the rewards you weren't expecting to receive. and we all know the best presents are the ones we receive by surprise, without anticipation or expectations.

i don't know whether you feel like this is an insight, or whether this has inspired you in any way. but it has inspired me. explaining this concept to my students made me realize how ridiculously blessed i've been in other areas of my life. so that while i may not have received anything i was asking for, i have reaped much more than i've sown. i bow my head in shame and humility that i've completely missed the things that God has given me with so generously.

thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for everything.

on friendship

2010-12-21T19:45:00.001+08:00

so maybe i'm not cool enough for you.

but i was never for you.

on being educated while educating

2010-12-17T08:50:00.003+08:00

As a teacher, I often find that I have a lot to learn.

Not only am I constantly stumped by my teaching materials, the content of what I have to teach (which is ever-evolving by the way, since I teach things like globalization), but I am also challenged by the heart of what I teach - the part I consider most important and valuable and long-lasting of all.

One thing I've learned, and must keep reminding myself, is how not to discourage students from learning. It's very easy sometimes to get caught up in your own expectations for how well others should be doing, and forget to praise people for the efforts they have already put in. I went to a rehearsal for a fashion show that some of my form 5 students are putting on, and to be honest, I was so impressed by their ideas. I saw a side of them that I would never have seen in the traditional classroom setting. Even as I try to use their language, and know their culture, and act as friendly and gentle and approving as possible, there are just sides to teens that adults rarely get a chance to get a glimpse of. i must say, that it is through these moments where i see a slight hint of who they could become, that i honestly believe in the value of art education. it's sad that art education always seems to take a backseat compared to things like English, and Chinese, and Maths....those so-called "core" subjects. But the traditional schools and classrooms don't allow for space for individuals to think outside the box, and grow, and become critical of their surroundings. The traditional classroom encourages students to be idle, shift into auto-drive, and cruise through the lesson without ever having to use their brain at all.

It frustrates me, and excites me at the same time, that HK is so lacking in this aspect. Nevermind HK. Canada doesn't fare so well either. Rarely are links to curriculum made to their actual lives; rarely are we required to question the system and the way things are structured. But our generation is no longer a generation that can just sit there and wait for things to be dictated for them. With the internet, kids have been learning how to be vocal and expressive about their ideas since they were old enough to use a keyboard. Ideas grow at a rate that is unprecented; albeit seemingly in a downward fashion in terms of quality. But more and more, I notice that our students need a voice. Why is it that normal classes can't accomodate this kind of communication? How can we allow students to express themselves, get their ideas out there, and make the changes they want to make?

I have no idea. But I know it's not by telling them that they're not good enough, or that their efforts are not good enough, or that their ideas are not good enough. If only HK students were appreciated for who they were and given the chances and space to grow, they would not grow up to be competitive, fake, two-faced, bitter people who resent their lives and everything in it.

let's free the slaves.

on the age of reason

2010-12-15T08:17:00.003+08:00

went to see a movie last night with my lightyear...and it got me thinking. if you know me, you know how much i just LOVE to think.

the movie was a french movie, about a girl who is now a successful businesswomen, but suddenly receives letters from her younger self reminding her about her past, of which she has tucked very securely away. the premise of the movie is cute and original, but imho, it could have been executed a bit better. but anyway, i digress. and good heavens, this is certainly not a blog of movie reviews. the point is, the movie asks the audience one question: are you who you wanted to be when you were younger?

so, am i who i wanted to be when i was younger? let's see. i'm now a liberal studies teacher, teaching students about the conditions of hong kong and our world. i am well-educated, have a loving boyfriend who i will marry in about ten months, and two dogs and a cat who barfs a lot. i have my own place to live, and outside of my school duties, i (co-direct?) school plays and act as a playwright. i think....i am exactly who i wanted to be...and maybe more.

but that's also not the point. yes, i didn't just come on here to give myself my periodic ego boost. actually, i wanted to work out whether or not i am who i thought i was. you see, i always imagined myself as a thinker - i write, i read, i imagine, i (drew)...that's who i am. i was always a person of ideas, whether it be ideas on how to make lots of money, or ideas on how to save the world. in fact, my entire teenage years were comprised of notebooks here and there, filled with all the random doodles of ideas i had formed in my mind.

it wasn't until my rendez-vous with drama that made me realize that i am also a doer. and in fact, i've become a strong believer in d0er-hood. everything could seem fine and dandy in your head, but it really isn't until it's executed that the image becomes clear, and you start working in things like feasibility, and LOGIC. i remember being one of those people who would think for hours to perfect an idea before i even put my pen to paper and write some things down. now the way i do things is that i write and write and write, whatever comes to mind, and i change the things i'm not satisfied with, little by little. and i'm convinced that this part of me was brought on by drama.

anyway, i don't really know what the point of this post is. but sometimes, it's nice to think about who we were, and who we've become, and to evaluate whether or not we've been going in the right direction.

are you?

i am

2010-11-19T09:20:00.002+08:00

I am who I am, not who you want, or try to make me to be. That's what makes me so absolutely, marvellously, irreplaceably, ME.

on the ties that bind

2010-11-19T08:49:00.002+08:00

given my difficult childhood rearing, i should have written this one ages ago. but for some strange reason, i haven't really tackled this issue on my blog before. maybe because it's so deeply embedded within me that i don't even recognize it sometimes.

family is really a killer. it could quite literally, make you or break you. of all the things that you couldn't choose in life that could really make a difference, the parents you were from must be the deal breaker. we see it all the time - children coming from ignorant, busy parents, usually grow up into more or less ignorant, busy people. of course, there are exceptions (note, myself), but as a general rule, dysfunction breeds dysfunction.

it's just that it's about 50 billion times worse if you are from a Chinese family. chinese people have some very strange expectations for the males and females of their family. i'm not quite sure about this, but from my experience, if there's one culture that's been damned because of globalization, it's the chinese. chinese people are stubborn, proud, resistant to change (feel free to navigate away from my blog if the tremendous amount of stereotyping that i practise is making it difficult for you to breathe), and well, PROUD. in fact, i don't know if there is any other culture out there that values "face" as much as the chinese culture. but that's not all. they like to blindly follow traditions and beliefs, even when the facts of the world scream in their face that things have changed.

a comment that i've been getting more lately and that's been pissing the heck out of me is "wow, you are really chaan now". well, let's see. i work 6 days a week, have 2 dogs and a cat at home, and go to school two nights a week. i live in a 500 sq. ft. apartment and i am planning a wedding of the century. between all this do you really think i would have the time to make sure i look pretty like a daisy? the answer is, of course we expect you to, because you are a WOMAN. gossipy old women say this all the time: "look at her! she really has let herself go! why doesn't she put on some makeup!" to those women who are working hard, beating the odds, and feeding her family by the grace of her own strength. in my culture, i would say, kudos to that. but in traditional chinese culture, that's a no-no.

ok, so let's say we do this another way. i spend my days marrying a rich man and sit at home and do nothing but buy pretty purses, play mahjong, and spend money all day, and maybe peek over my nanny's shoulder to see how my kid is doing. and that makes me...a gold-digging, good-for-nothing, shallow woman. so, what are we supposed to do? should we all go and find jobs at a kindergarten or a flower arrangement centre, work half-days so we could be the great mothers we are expected to be, while making sure that our faces are in mint condition? the answer is no, because then, we'd be criticized for doing work that only takes a miniscule amount of effort while our husbands are out working their poor arses off.

you see, you can't win. never in a chinese family, or in any family for that matter, are you going to be fully accepted and recognized for your battles, no matter how hard they were fought or won. you are never going to get the approval you've dreamed of having for so many years, never going to witness the moment when everyone realizes how great you've been all along and how much you've sacrificed. for that matter, even outside your family, you're not even going to get that level of approval from your friends, your co-workers, or maybe even your bosses. the thing that might kill you, is that you might not even get it from your own children.

the tv shows and movies you watch and your happy-go-lucky neighbours do a cruel, cruel thing to you and i. they paint a perfect picture and feed you the outright lie that families are supposed to support each other and think the best of each other. but that's just what it is - it's a lie. the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be, and the sooner you will stop chasing after something you'll never catch, something that has never really existed at all in the first place.

i find that kind of acceptance from one source, and one source only - that's God.

on technology

2010-10-25T14:17:00.003+08:00

technology makes our life easier...too easy, i suppose at times. i guess this isn't really a new topic for any of you, since we've been studying it in school even when i was in primary...so...haha...you get the drift.

anyway, i only decided to put my keyboard to good use again and blog about this when i came across this very interesting video talking about video game and internet addiction. it was about a man with 10 years worth of experience with video games, lamenting his regret over wasting so much of his life on something that basically was never real. it truly touched me in a way that most discourses about the evils of gaming never did before, since to be quite honest, for a girl, i'm pretty into video games. even though i don't exactly spend hours sitting in front of a PS3 cursing at the screen, i do spend a good amount of time downloading apps into my ipad, and i've increasingly found myself more engaged than i'd like in a game for a good afternoon.

and it got me thinking...with technology and globalization and all those good things, with a click of a button, we can now see many different things. we can know what the Grand Canyon is like without ever having to travel there, we can fight zombies and morph into ninjas and steal cars - but we never actually have to walk out of our house. so actually in this sense, are we really seeing more due to technology, the world at our fingertips, as they like to say? or is our world actually becoming smaller and smaller, so that we experience far less than what others used to in previous generations, so that we are actually getting less and less chances to be socialized in different situations and scenarios?

i mean, doesn't it kind of make sense that we constantly get complaints in our generation that we want everything to be instant and easy and effortless? because...isn't that the way it works in a video game? we acquire all the things we need, and we beat the level, progress into another one. but life is not a video game. there are no guarantees that we will proceed, and sadly, there aren't even any good walkthroughs anymore. no one who has finished the game has lived to talk about it, and it seems that there is no one way to play anymore. the saddest, saddest part of all, is that i don't really see this trend reversing any time soon, to where we can all spend time away from technology and being with each other, just enjoying life and seeing the world for what it is. i want to stare at a four leaf clover instead of pictures of four leaf clovers. i want to eat ice cream instead of looking at perfectly-taken pictures of everyone else's ice cream. i want to set me free.

third-quarter-year resolution: spend less time with technology and more time doing things. real things.

on insights

2010-10-24T00:02:00.003+08:00

something that i've tried for a quarter century to get over and still haven't quite gotten the hang of is my need-for-everyone-to-love-me complex. i think i've talked about this before, but yesterday i got into quite a headache with my family because of it. while the entire experience definitely does not make it into my top ten favourite warm fuzzy moments with the fam, there was one very important insight that i received from my aunt, who is now (not quite battling) cancer. she told me that i will never, no matter how hard i try, win the approval of everyone around me. she said that i am lucky to have even 5 out of 10 people say that i am good, in any given situation. and that if i have 6, i am really, REALLY lucky. and that i shouldn't let the opinion of some people stop me from being who i am.

as simple and straight-forward and intuitive that sounds, i'm sure all of you who are as socially-paranoid as i am would agree that this is no easy feat - it takes a major dose of ignorance and insensitivity to really not care how others see you. but in fact, it again brings me back to a similar concept that God keeps whispering (ok fine, SHOUTING) into my ears - the fact that i really need to quit doing things for its (perceived) rewards. if i were truly good, i would do good things simply for the fact that it is the right thing to do, not because i need the encouragement or praise or recognition from others. let's face it - the longer we live our lives chasing after positive reinforcement, the longer we will sit at the end of the day, dejected on our beds, disappointed with our unfulfilled hopes of what we thought the world had promised us. the fact is, God had never promised us that if we do good we would receive good - on earth that is. everything that we do is to be calculated in the place that truly matters, a place that has nothing to do with the place of pain and suffering here. i'm sorry if i sound like a religious nut in this post, because i usually try to shy away from that, but i mean it. God never promised us an eye for an eye. the world did, but the world also promised you that using listerine would win you friends.

God's promises are the only ones that really exist.

on being old-fashioned

2010-10-05T00:05:00.002+08:00

Are you ever surprised at today's constantly-slipping standards of what's okay and what's not?

Let me give you an example. Today in the elevator, I saw this little boy, maybe 4 or 5 years old, pinching and beating and whining at his domestic helper because she wouldn't let him have something. After watching the kid literally punch his helper, I decided to speak up and said in the loudest, most teacheresque voice possible, "SIU PUNG YAU, don't you know that you are not supposed to hit others that way and that it hurts when you do that?" His domestic helper than quickly, and rather gratefully, agreed and told him to quit hitting her. It amazed me what kids are allowed to do these days, and why it took a stranger to say something on the poor girl's behalf for her to tell a 5 year old that she was hurting.

in another completely unrelated but still somewhat related fashion, people nowadays seem to have no common courtesy, whatsoever. they never feel that it is necessary to reply to a message or an e-mail, even when a response was openly asked for. this happens virtually everywhere in Hong Kong, and makes me wonder whether people realize how rude it actually is to never "get back" at people on something. It honestly only really takes about one minute of your time, and it's really just the polite thing to do. not to mention all the people i currently work with who enjoy the times they spend walking right past me without so much as a nod to recognize the fact that i am alive and giving my best "i don't bite" smile that my teeth are willing to offer at 8 am in the morning. touche!

you know, i'm all about being in with the new and out with the old and all that, and being free and relaxed, especially in the classroom. but there are some things that continue to bug me. like how people disrespect prayers by doing other things or speaking and laughing during prayer time, or when my students half sit on their chairs to say good morning or good bye, or answer questions without giving eye contact. to me, this is just about common sense and the ability to carry oneself well in society. i remember learning about social capital in soc class, and they got one thing right - there is something that money won't necessarily give you, and that's manners. it's too sad that in our world today, none of that is valued much anymore, and kids with plenty of education don't know how to say "thanks" or open the door for others.

r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

on what is appropriate

2010-09-30T12:22:00.000+08:00

wish i knew the noun for that word..."appropriate". but oh well. we never get what we really want.

i'm kind of in a dark place. but in a way i guess it's a good thing, since my writing always tends to be driven by negative emotions. can't really speak properly until something is actually bothering me.

i was looking for a quote, and to my intense surprise, it is actually from the bible, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 .

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

i really couldn't have said it better myself. because in my heart, i understand. i know that i will come to accept, and that in time i'll be okay. i know that God has a plan and that everything is under control. i know that i must surrender to Him and come to terms with life's disappointments...afterall, He gives and takes away...

but after all is said and done, i can't help but wish i could hold on to all that is precious to me in life. i am more afraid than ever of my sunshine going away, more afraid than ever that i can't hold on to this moment forever. i don't want to grow up, i don't want to let go. i don't want to be okay with the fact that the people i love will leave me. i just don't want to.

and so, i guess now i am experiencing my time to mourn. i deserve that right, and i will practice it until i am ready to stop crying. i'm glad that at least God said there is a time to mourn, rather than, "Don't mourn! You can't change anything anyway!"

I'm waiting for your peace.

on grief

2010-09-28T17:20:00.002+08:00

have you ever played through in your head your reaction to the worst case scenario? as in, have you ever, just as an act of intense cruelty to your own feelings, teased yourself with the possibility that what you fear the most would happen?

let me elaborate (because i'm a teacher, and that's how i roll): let's say you force yourself to imagine what would happen if you got the news that one of your loved ones passed away. that you would never see them again. that they'll be gone forever. would you do it? have you done it? why did you do it?

well i ask because 1) i used to do it when i aspired to be an award-winning actress and wanted to practice prompting myself to summon tears on demand, and
2) i wanted to be psychologically prepared for the worst

well, funny thing is, it doesn't exactly work the way you planned it out. today, i received news that a student of mine has left the world. the first thing i felt was...what am i supposed to feel? am i supposed to cry? mourn? be in shock? a voice actually very rationally explained to me that it's not as shocking as i think, since people actually die every day, and that i should have known that one of these days something like this might happen. i think the world to sum it all up is...blank. i felt blank. i felt like i couldn't focus around anything and that i was just served something i absolutely had no control over and that i just had to swallow.

it wasn't until later that i let the emotions sink in...the memories...thinking of all the ways that i was related and relevant to her life at all...thinking of how really sad the whole situation is. and something else...i realized how absolutely insignificant everything else i usually worry about is. whether or not my colleagues like me. when my stupid acne scar will heal. how i'm going to lose 10 pounds for my wedding pictures. how i will not have a decent dinner tonight since i will have night class.

how absolutely mundane and irrelevant my entire life looks when hearts are breaking at the news of such a young life being called back to heaven...how many times have i taught my lessons forgetting to just pay attention to each child is doing?

i hope i've at least taught her one thing during her short visit to earth.

on reality

2010-09-26T23:43:00.002+08:00

here i am again, writing on a school night, just a quarter before midnight.

wondering why it's always so difficult to get along.
wondering why it's always so hard to tell what's real
and what's not.

does it even matter?

guess not....a lot.

haha...

(i wrote a poem!)

on choosing

2010-08-22T23:52:00.001+08:00

"Living is as much about closing possibilities as it is about creating them."

the truth, or just accepting that there is one, will set you free

2010-08-14T19:25:00.001+08:00

i'll let you sit on that. blog about it later.

on mediocrity

2010-08-09T15:33:00.003+08:00

been a while since i've written...i guess that's because it's been awhile since i've come across something that interests me. so far, my summer holidays has consisted of me obsessively going over the people in my life i no longer talk to anymore, and also of me trying to figure out what exactly nuclear energy is so i can teach it to my students next year (attn: if you're my student and you're reading this, i promise i will know enough about it to teach it to you by the time you need to learn it next year). anyway, moving on. because i'm here now since i finally have something interesting and worthwhile enough to blog about.

recently, for some reasons i'd rather not elaborate on, i found myself looking through my old psych notes...notes talking about positive psychology and the humanistic approach. for those of you who are unfamiliar with psych or majored in psych but suffer from academic amnesia like myself, humanistic psychology is the psychology that stresses on looking at human potentials...and what good people could be capable of, instead of focusing on the problems of human beings. on the surface, it seems like an attractive and intriguing theory. maslow of the famous maslow pyramid says that the end point on everyone's journey is self-actualization - the point of which individuals have met their greatest potentials and are living for truth and honesty and justice and wholeness and self-sufficiency and all that good stuff. so, we all agree that that's the way to go right? well, at least, society does a pretty decent job telling us that that's the way to go...be the best you can be! seize the day! carpe diem! live it out to the fullest! don't settle for less! blah blah blah!

the most ironic part is, that i am probably the president of the dead poet's society, if it were to exist in our time. i regularly pom-pom my girlfriends into reaching for the stars, and being the best, and rocking everyone's world...but now all of a sudden...there's a change in me. it's not one of those crazy, ground-breaking, wake up in someone else's body changes, but it's a change where i'm starting to feel that i've...understood something. that i've always been nudged into the direction that i should be somebody big, date the best-looking and smartest people, become a revolutionary, make lots of money and live the life i know i could live. i hear this all the time: you could make so much more teaching english in an international school! or working in a kindergarten as a NET! or, you could date someone so much better looking! or someone who does so much better in life! or, if you could only give up your pets, you could save your money and buy yourself a house! or a car! or a nicer purse! or something or another! that's what got me thinking....is that what self-actualization means? that i can be the "best" i can be, in everyone else's eyes? that i can impress everyone while strutting down the street in my 110-pound amazingly fit body with my angelic face and my chanel purse with a super hot rich businessman in his 30s waiting to pick me up in his pimpin' convertible? or i can work 4 hours a day making 30 grand a month babbling to cute kids about phonics and abc's, and live in repulse bay and sip on virgin cocktails with a bunch of girlfriends who are doing the same thing? but...what if that's not what i want? what if when i get there, i lose the guy that kisses my fingertips and dogs that follow me to the washroom to lick my toes? what if, i become dumb and numb from teaching the alphabet everyday that i start forgetting everything i cared about in the world and all my ways of connecting to the passionate youth? what if, in my excellence and extreme fitness and whatnot, i suddenly love my body and money and my own greatness more than that of God's?

i know the things i mentioned above are not by any means mutually exclusive. God knows that i could probably afford 50 dogs that would lick every imaginable part of my body if i were rich enough to afford a house in repulse bay. and would probably be rich enough to afford also all types of friends that would also be willing to kiss all parts of my body to keep me happy. but...what would become of me? i used to be afraid of being a nobody, of doing nothing significant and of shriveling into non-existence. but now, i am so satisfied with my own mediocrity. of being just that girl. teaching in a school. two dogs and a cat. a soulmate. a handful of true friends. a brilliant mind. and a modest salary. i don't want it all. and in fact, i honestly don't believe that someone could have it all. but i have all that i can fit in the palms of my hand. and for that, i am so grateful.

i believe there's always more money to be made in the world. and that there will always be someone better looking, or smarter, or richer. but there is only ONE THING that keeps you happy. and that's humility, and gratitude for what you have.

well, i guess that's two.

on maladaptive coping

2010-08-03T16:48:00.002+08:00

you've heard of maladaptive coping for stress, but have you heard of maladaptive coping for lack of stress?

sometimes, i feel like billy is so so good to me that i can't bring myself to accept it. it's like when someone comes to you on the street and hands you a $1000 bill.

"Take it," he says. "It's for you."

"But why?"

"Just because."

Doesn't seem good enough, eh? No effort required, no strings attached. Just some free lunch - except reason and experience tells you that it can't possibly be so simple, so easy, so...free. So you walk away. And that's how i refuse love. all the time. i just can't believe that someone could love me, imperfect lil ol' me, so goddamn much. for no reason at all.

i'm bragging. i know it. life has been so perfect and cheery and rosey and our relationship has been in a state of so much bliss that i'm starting to question myself whether i should start planning for the worse - like his death - just before our wedding day comes. sometimes i feel like asking him, who are you? and why on earth do you love me in such a way that i could never love anyone?

sometimes it's as difficult to take as it is to give.

random mumbo jumbo

2010-07-30T16:27:00.003+08:00

back from my 3-day camp. didn't do much but talk to a colleague and relax a bit, but i guess i got a lot out of it.

yesterday was really a crazy day. makes me think of why God does such strange things in such strange timing, but i'm glad i at least got a little time out and now i am back in reality.

i'm disappointed that my "church" friends are actually the ones who didn't reply my message about the wedding invite. i guess no one cares. it doesn't bother me as much as i thought it would. i guess all that matters is that i have billy there on our wedding day.

keep up the good work.

on perspectives

2010-07-13T20:20:00.000+08:00

do you ever think about how you can be in a relationship with someone, but can see the relationship in a completely different way?

scary.

on anesthetics

2010-07-12T09:33:00.002+08:00

how many times in your life have you wished that you had the ability to numb yourself?

i used to think that being able to feel, being so sensitive, was a good thing. i used to be proud of how sensitive i was, how much i cared, because i thought that it's what made ME so darn special. now i feel like it's what makes me just like my teenage students, in the way that i will become paranoid at any suggestion that i am not loved by everybody, and that people might be saying or thinking bad things about me. even typing it out and seeing it in word on my blog makes me feel stupid.

i guess everyone has these insecurities from time to time, but i literally let it run me. i mean it. if there is even a mere hint of hostility between any acquaintance of mine and i, i will be at it all day long and probably the morning after, going over the list of things that i may have done to piss them off. i don't have to read an abnormal psych textbook to know that that's not healthy (although i have). these are one of the times where i wish i could numb myself from all these feelings, numb myself from all this caring, and to just be one of those, i don't give a damn people...the kind of person i've always wanted to appear to be.

even though often times i display my inner thoughts at the rate of a tourette's patient, i actually care too much about what people think of me. every day, i am working on image-building. it gets tiring, i know. or some of you might say, everyone does it. that i also know. but it's just one of those bad habits that i would really really hope to get rid of before i blossom into a true adult (before reaching quarter-century).

as you can see, this is another entry that kind of makes no sense, a string of incoherent thoughts clumsily put together. well, that's because last night was world cup finals and i dreamt that billy kept interrupting me when i was trying to report a murder to the police.

please don't give me a freudian dream analysis.

on prejudice

2010-07-06T08:33:00.003+08:00

i've already written about the post 80s and post 90s phenomenon once or twice before, but today, i came across an interesting article (on yahoo.hk, nonetheless!) talking about how these "youngsters" are satisfied with earning just $2000 hkd a month, since all their daily necessities and expenses are taken care of by their overly protective mothers. they also went on to claim that most of these post 80s and 90s individuals are unable to take criticism, and unable to withstand any stress, and that some of them refuse to work because they don't want to work under a boss that will, basically, give them shit.

the article then continued with the supposingly outrageous example that some parents buy a flat for their children so that their children can collect rent from it to earn a better living. WOWZERS! HOW HORRIFYING! what are we going to do about these "spoiled", good-for-nothing children?

now, don't get me wrong. i do agree that many of those...and us...in the younger generation are definitely spoiled. we've grown up under ideal conditions, had plenty of education, eat the best, wear the best, play with the best...but, having said that, i still find it funny, and actually quite insulting, that something like this could appear on the headlines of a national search engine like yahoo. it was ultimately an opinion piece - a biased opinion at that - written by someone who obviously belonged to the older generation, or maybe even someone who is part of the post 80s and post 90s phenomenon, and who feels overly proud of themselves for finding a decent job. it was definitely NOT written by someone who is working 12 hours a day at a construction site under the 33 degree hot hong kong sun.

what's my point? my point is that the way our generation is is a part of a historical process. it's happened not because we're so spoiled and selfish and our mothers are too lenient - it's happened because in the 70s and 80s, everyone became wealthier - wealthy enough to earn much more than what is now considered "normal", and wealthy enough to put their kids through to college and give them whatever opportunities they didn't have when they were growing up. now, maybe instead of looking at all of them like spoiled, sheltered idiots, let's try looking at them as critical, hopeful young adults with plenty of passion for their potentials. many of these post 80s and 90s aren't just kicking back and saying, "oh who needs a job? i just need enough to buy cigarettes and sing karaoke!", they really ARE trying to find a good, steady, decent paying job. and what's wrong with that? if 80% of the young adults right now are university graduates, 80% of them are going to be expecting a better job. in the end, isn't that what going to university was for in the first place? so that you could get a well-respected position in a decent company and NOT have to work your ass off in the afternoon sun? so why are these "older" people complaining that the young'uns don't have enough gusto in them or whatnot? what did they expect when they poured millions into their kids' education? and if i'm decently educated, why on earth would i want to sit in an office being told by some asshole who doesn't know what he's talking about what to do, just because he's the boss?

when we were given opportunities, we were also given a mind - and a promise. we were promised that if we worked hard and we were able, if we had a dream, no matter how high or how unrealistic it seemed, we would be able to achieve it. it's HISTORY that's created the mass of dreamers. it's the years of lies and emptied promises that prompts these younger individuals to continuously seek for something more, to not feel satisfied. and, if anything, it's the SOCIETY'S fault if now, they are being told that they can't have their dreams, and that they can only get it if they work under the same insulting conditions that their parents worked under.

i'm appalled by this piece not only because it doesn't consider the fact that these conditions were created by society and the older generation, but also because of the amount of prejudice that it inevitably fuels against those in the younger generation. after reading a piece like that, how many employers do you think would want to hire a young 20-something-er, knowing that they will quit after one or two months if you so much as tell them to speed things up? and, is that really the situation? or is it that the workplace in the 21st century is refusing to change and become in step with the rest of the world? if us post 80s and post 90s are going to be the leaders of tomorrow, then isn't it time for some of these "old ways" to step aside and let us try to create a better world? a world where we didn't have to slave ourselves in a room for over 40 hours a week? a world where we lived our lives instead of worked day and night just to earn enough to sustain a decent standard of living?

just some things i'd like to know.

on parenting

2010-06-26T22:13:00.001+08:00

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you,

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends with you His might that His arrows might go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

~ Kahlil Gibran

on extinction

2010-06-26T12:13:00.004+08:00

did you know that to a certain extent, human beings are already extinct?

today, a quote from the little prince flashed across my mind while i was in the midst of cleaning by grime-filled house. i was obviously not exactly having the time of my life...if you know me, you will know that i am not exactly the neatest person around. normally i get by with that flaw because the hong kong culture encourages hiring cleaning ladies to do the dirty work for you while you kick back and anesthetize yourself with facebook or failblog or whatever gets you, but my best friend - the cleaning lady - has returned home to the Philippines for a month already, so i guess you can more or less imagine the current state of my home.

but anyway, something urged me to take out the book from my bookshelf and look for the quote that was running through my mind...

"people start out in express trains, but they no longer know what they are looking for..."

they don't know what they're looking for...

do you know what you're looking for? if it a better job? more money? a nicer car, a better family, more understanding parents, a boyfriend who cares, an education? or a second chance, a new start, a chance to forget?

how many times in your life have you said to yourself "my life would be perfect if i only had..." this one thing. this one thing. but there's always this one thing, isn't it? once you've found what you thought you were looking for, you start looking for the next thing that was "missing"...seems like we never truly feel complete, never truly satisfied.

i remember myself...i started out in an express train...express, because it was fast, direct...i thought i would get there in seconds. train...because i had a destination - i wanted to get away from home, wanted to leave a place with horrible memories, to find a new start, to live a more meaningful life. now, thinking back...that's not what i really wanted. i actually just wanted and needed someone to understand. someone to accept me for who i am. someone to believe in me. i guess i went around in circles, over and over again, but i couldn't make peace with myself, and love and accept myself for who i really was.

and now i'm in hk, i feel like going back home again. usually, i'm really particular about how the language on my blog sounds...but lately, i couldn't care less. i just have all these feelings, all these thoughts that i want to get out there. there are so many people i know who have left home in search of something else. i don't know if they really know what they're looking for.

i remember another thing that the author has commented on....that we have all these technologies to save our time, but we don't know what to do with all that saved time...and what's happened now is that we use all that saved time to make more money to get more technologies that save more time...and it's a vicious cycle. so when instead, something like taking a picnic was relaxing and something that would make us feel relaxed and happy and would give us precious time with friends and family, we sacrifice that for expensive convenience meals. maybe that's not a good example. let's look at the hk practice of hiring a domestic helper to take care of all that dirty stuff for you - clean the house, wash the clothes, feed and walk your pets, pick up your kids after work...don't you ever wonder what people used to do before we had people to do these things for us?

i look at the things of my past i've found while cleaning the house that makes me smile, or the things i see along the way when i walk my dogs....or the way my children would look when they see me after school and the things they want to talk to me about....all these things....are they really a waste of time? and as the author of the book wrote, it's the time you spend on those things that make them so important to you. it's the fact that the little prince had to water his flower and take care of her needs that made her unique in all the world. similarly, it's the time that we've spent taking care of our home, our pets, things that are our responsibility - that make them so meaningful to us. why don't people feel attached to their homes nowadays? because they aren't the ones maintaining it! why do people so easily give up their cats and dogs? because no effort was spent on keeping them alive and well! why don't people have a close connection with their children? because they didn't take the time to be concerned about them, to care about them, to have conversations with them, to get to know them.

everything is bought already made, already prepared. cakes that used to be baked at home, by mom or grandma or a friend for a dessert, are now confections that you can get for a huge price tag at some fancy bakery. nothing requires your own effort, and we fool ourselves into thinking that life is supposed to improve because things are getting easier. in fact, life is becoming more and more meaningless, because we no longer have to care about anything but how comfortable and happy we are.

it's funny that saint antoine de exupery....back in his day, already understood the complex mechanics of the human psyche....that the harder you work for something, the more importance and the more value you willplace on it. the problem is, humans nowadays are more unwilling than ever to allow themselves to be tamed by anything. too much trouble! too much hurt! it takes too much effort to be alive and make yourself vulnerable! i wonder why everyone thinks life is so empty and meaningless...

so....back to the topic. why extinction? because i realized that st antoine the exupery would have had so much more to say if he could witness our generation now. isn't it sad that the people from generations and generations ago won't be able to live long enough to comment on our generations now? and the generations to come? isn't it a shame that mentalities and cultures that are tied in with the technologies of our time can't be carried on? i know this is a really random thought...but i really wonder what people like Kant would say if he could see the way we were living....

sleepwalking through life. never taking the time to smell the flowers. or watch the clouds. or love someone.

brainfog

2010-06-25T08:44:00.002+08:00

today, i'm experiencing a serious case of brainfog.

what does that mean? that means that i'm trying to think things through properly and take control of my emotions, to do the right thing, to fix all the little problems that are bugging me inside, but i can't seem to focus. it's as if i have this incredibly heavy block of grey that's clouding over my brain, and that's blocking my rationality from kicking in.

i'm writing here again, about personal thoughts, even though i said i wouldn't, because well, let's be honest: i'm not one of those people who has a lot of friends to share with, that would truly care about my feelings and give genuine advice. and in 10 times out of 10, i already know the answers and know what i should be doing and talking to other people just frustrates me further. so...i talk to myself.

there are many unanswered questions lately...where should i go? is this the right place for me? will i have a future in hk? in toronto? in vancouver? will we be able to make it against the odds? should i keep supporting everything he does? what if he doesn't do anything? what do you do when your significant other is so tired and stressed from work that you don't even want to burden him with another extra thought, an extra responsibility? is there something wrong with me, or him? should i do more because my job is more carefree, or should everyone do their own part to maintain a family?

all these things are troubling me. and i've tried to lift it to God...but....no answer. i've tried to reach out to others that might be able to help....no answer. sometimes, i really wonder what it is about me that makes me so easy to walk away from, so easy to close my messages, to "forget" to reply my e-mails. and why i've never really made a serious effort to stay "connected" to anyone....and of course, those two are interrelated, aren't they? but don't mind me, i'm operating under a brainfog.

waiting for relief.

turn left, turn right

2010-06-23T00:35:00.003+08:00

at 24 years old with a job where i have to wake up at 6:30 am, i know better than to stay up this late at night typing on a blog and in tears.

but i finally feel a compulsion to write - one that i haven't felt in quite a while.

when i stepped on the plane 3 years ago...(and thinking back, it's literally exactly 3 years ago), i came to hong kong, unafraid of the future. i had no idea where i would live, what i would be doing, how life would be there, but i decided to fly away with nothing but my life in two suitcases, prepared to take on the world.

at least...that's how my dad described me. he reminded me today that back then when i came to hk, i didn't worry about anything. i just tried it out.

but in fact, inside, i was very scared. it's just that back then, i felt like i had nothing much to lose. i had no real expectations, i didn't know what it meant to be truly happy. i just wanted to be part of something, to belong somewhere, to be wanted. and so i thought i was.

3 years and 5 jobs later, i find myself doing what i swore i would never do - teaching in a secondary school - an all girls' catholic secondary school...pretty much everything i didn't believe in. and, to top that off, i've truly found the love and meaning of my life. in a way, i didn't get what i was looking for in hk...in fact, i am still the same boring, sensitive girl who is constantly scared of how she is looked upon and judged as by others. but at the same time, i don't feel that same need to be away from toronto, to run away from my past and all my problems, to hide from the things that hurt me. the me now is very sure of the right things to do, and is ready to take responsibility of my actions. that's something that i couldn't say 3 years ago.

and i think above it all, it's that i've finally found someone who i know will accept me for everything that i am, the good the bad and the nasty, and who will be there to hold my hand when someone passes tough judgement. if there's anything i've learned from 3 years in hk, it's that disappointment is everywhere, but you will be much better off if you have the right people there and the right attitude to get you through it. and so, if that is something that must stay constant, why not bear through it all in the midst of sunny skies and picnics and huge parks for the dogs to run in and a bathroom that is bigger than your entire living room and kitchen at your hong kong apartment?

exactly.

home is where the heart is.

question of the day

2010-06-14T20:13:00.000+08:00

how many people in your life would really be there when you actually needed them?

exactly.

welcome to the rat race

2010-06-08T10:59:00.002+08:00

i've never really considered myself a contestant of the great rat race before. that is, not until i realized that i'm quickly approaching mid-quarter and i'm planning a wedding and i don't have any savings whatsoever. i always imagined myself as a free spirit...not caring for things like investments and mortgage and insurance and all those complicated money business. but having a family really changes things...doing the math, if i expect to be a mother in around 5 years, then the planning should start NOW.

just the thought of bringing up a baby in hk makes me want to puke. or faint. or stab someone. i don't understand the concept of having to fight for a school where quality education is not even being offered. i can't imagine having to ride on one of those wacko minibuses while i'm preggers on my way to work. i can't imagine waiting until 9 at night every night for my husband to come home to check on his pregnant wife in our 500 sq foot apartment. and i don't know why i can't imagine it. i mean, i've always been the one who was loud and clear about rejecting the american dream. but reality hits us hard, doesn't it? our youth sort of just passes us by, and the next thing you know, you find yourself with a block of responsibilities in the oven.

today is one of those days where i wish i were in toronto, just enjoying a cookie and a milk and sweetener coffee at tim hortons, worrying about my caloric intake instead of the rest of my life.

shit.

how many...

2010-06-01T19:11:00.002+08:00

how many things come and gone...
people lost, friends now nobodies.
how many conversations were from the heart? how many of them real, with real,
good intentions?
how many people you can count on?
how many faces you no longer remember?
how many that you treasured but don't. treasure. you.
how many left still holding on?

how many...

downhills

2010-05-30T10:45:00.003+08:00

don't be misled by the title of my blog post. i don't mean downhill as in, things are going downhill and not looking bright. i mean, downhill, as in it's time to relax and everything is about to wrap itself up.

if you had to ask me what makes me love being a teacher so much, it's that (among other things), i can have a pretty sweet break at the end of the school year. it's where i have time to sit back, look at what my students and i have done throughout the year, and rest myself up a little. in fact, it's so great that i think all jobs should have a cooling-off period. nowadays, Christmas breaks are shorter than ever, and other than that and Chinese New Year, most people don't really get long holidays. and i don't really think there's a need for me to elaborate on the importance of holidays...

but anyway, my planning has officially begun for my wedding! even though i still haven't decided on the big day and still don't really have significant "savings" to start with...at least i have ideas! i'd thought about hiring a planner and getting everything done and over with without having to worry, until i realized - worrying is who i am! plus, i LOVE working on creative projects - putting together themes, thinking of all the little DIY projects i can do...in fact, i can't wait to get into all the dirty work! and the fact that all i can think about lately is my wedding doesn't really help this blog out much...i know it's been kind of lonely lately.

but it's exam time! you know what that means! (you probably don't) that means that i'll have time to do whatever i want when i'm sitting in the staff room all day! yippee! God i love being a teacher...haha

rough times

2010-04-27T23:16:00.003+08:00

many things have been making me upset lately...problems with students, with family, with in-laws, with almost everything. just seems like it's really difficult to please everyone, and get for some stupid reason, i can't get rid of the compulsion to try anyway. i've been getting a lot of harsh criticism lately, some behind my back, from the people i would least expect, and some right to my face.

in a matter of just 2 days, i've already felt myself wanting to scream out "but that's not true!" in reply to numerous allegations that were made. i'm disturbed by the way people see me, by the way i look in other people's eyes, when i know myself so well, and i know from the pits of my heart that i am not who they say i am. but who knows that? and who really cares? sometimes, i wish i really were that evil, or that selfish, or that greedy...so at least when they blame me of all those things, i could just feel like my cover had been blown instead of feeling so insulted that they would think of me that way.

am i really so bad, such a bad daughter, such a bad girlfriend, and such a bad teacher? really that bad? i ask myself over and over again, but i feel like i've done nothing but give all i have to everyone around me. and i didn't ask for anything in return...but what i got...is definitely out of my expectations. i know i'm probably not making any sense...but i'm just too upset to be concerned with sense...or grammar...or reason...or anything else. i just don't know when God is actually going to pick me up and tell me to go back home...back to a place where at least someone understands.

a prayer for eudora lee

2010-04-24T23:57:00.000+08:00

A Prayer for Teachers

Lord, let me be just what they need.
If they need someone to trust, let me be trustworthy.
If they need sympathy, let me sympathize.
Let me not anger easily, Lord but let me be just.
Permit my justice to be tempered in your mercy.
When I stand before them, Lord, let me look strong and good and honest and loving.
Permit me to teach only the truth.
Help me to inspire them so that learning will not cease at the classroom door.
Let the lessons they learn make their lives fruitful and happy.
And, Lord, let me bring them to You.
Teach them through me to love You.
Finally, permit me to learn the lessons they teach.

Amen.

time flies

2010-04-11T01:43:00.002+08:00

another holiday gone...my last long one until my summer holiday. of course, who am i to complain about lack of holidays, as a secondary school teacher? but when i think back as to what i've done this easter break...i feel like i did nothing at all. not true, though. i've actually accomplished quite a bit and feel quite happy with myself over this break. in these past 11 days, i have:
- purchased my long-awaited kitchenaid stand mixer
- purchased a G11 with the colour accent function, which has brought me immense pleasure
- baked two separate, wonderfully tasty batches of cupcakes
- bought a puppy, and brought her to the vet twice for different reasons (not a happy occasion, i might add)
- watched two movies (love in a puff and shutter island - both moderately recommended)
- rejected my leftover jobs from theatre noir, something i should have done ages ago
- spent $200 on the monopoly machine (actually, i don't remember being that happy in a REALLY long time)

not that being housewife siu doesn't make me happy. on the contrary, i'm on cloud 9. look at me. aren't i full of contradictions? would life still be so good if every day were a holiday? would i be as happy, just holding his hand, walking on the street holding an ice cream cone?

hmmm...

good-bye, good luck.

2010-03-09T17:39:00.004+08:00

there are some people we hang on to for symbolic reasons. what do i mean? you know what i mean. i'm sure we all have one or two or ten of them in our lives - people that we refuse to let go of, even though they've been long gone, and all you're holding onto are memories of what your relationship or friendship once was.

once.

isn't that such a pretty word? just once. and sometimes, that's all it takes to make lasting impressions forever and ever. the guy was nice to you, once. he was everything you wanted him to be, once upon a time. there was this once, where she held my hand and told me she would never leave me.

once.

but is that really what matters? the once, or the always? the once, or the perpetual? why do we always seem to place so much significance on those tiny little passing moments, those "ones"? and why do we always look past the people who were always there, always giving, always holding out their hand?

i meant to blog about this a long time ago, but for some reason, i never seemed to be able to find the time. and as always, when emotions pass and you no longer feel 100% angry and 100% human, things never seem important enough to be blogged anymore. i wanted to write a piece about poisonous relationships, and people who suck the life out of you. there are many people who do more harm than good to you. if you keep your radar on, you can spot them from a mile away.

they're the people who are always negative, always quick to judge and criticize, who always blame you for things that are out of your control. they are the ones who say things to hurt you purposely, then take them all back and make you keep running back to them. they are the people who put you on a leash, release you like a kite, and then tug you back slowly until you drop. sound familiar? why do you keep these people in your lives? why torture yourself with people who don't deserve you, and don't deserve respect?

i'm convinced that we could solve many of our daily headaches if we would just be willing to let go of these people. just let it be. as i've said in my previous posts, some people refuse to stop controlling you, because they can't control themselves. you will feel better once you realize that it is your choice, that you can say no, and that you can walk away.

good-bye. good luck, my friend.

on fate

2010-02-23T14:15:00.002+08:00

prayers get answered in the darn'dest (sp?) ways.

i remember a really thought-provoking quote i heard in a Christian movie the other day, when God appeared, dressed as a commoner, and said to the main character's wife (or something along the lines of this):
When you pray for courage, do you think God gives you courage, or the opportunity to be brave?
When you pray for your family to be closer, do you think God makes your family closer, or does He give you opportunities to bring your family closer together?

even though i know i'm probably misquoting the movie by quite a bit, i think you get the gist of it. sometimes in life, when we pray really hard for something, we often find ourselves getting impatient or confused by God, since it doesn't seem like He's listening to our prayers. sometimes i really feel like shouting up there, "HELLOOOOOO! ANYBODY HOME?!?!", but actually, He's already answering our prayers little by little, in the funkiest of ways. even though i'm not really sure whether my prayers are being answered right now, i can say that...i wouldn't be surprised. have you ever prayed to the point that you get a little shiver, and tingly feeling inside? that somehow, you feel like your prayers have already been answered, like the wave of a magic wand? i felt that last night. and, instead of getting the answer i hoped for this morning, i got another cool surprise. sometimes God gives us a lot more than we ask for, and we end up killing ten, twelve birds with one gimungous stone.

Hallelujah.

on me

2010-02-20T03:16:00.002+08:00

yes, rather strong-headed and quite the arrogant one, i am. really have to work on the modesty bit.
but while i'm still waiting for it to arrive in the mail, let me elaborate a bit on myself, and my strong, strong views.

there are a lot of people i can't tolerate in the world. mostly falls into the intentionally stupid category (intentionally drunk people belong there too), and the oh-i-think-i'm-so-cool-now-in-my-20s-but-i-was-a-total-reject-in-high-school category. usually, people that are unnecessarily flashy or brag-gy, or people who can't wait to show their "bad side", are those who failed in the social scene in their ugly teens. i've met so many of these people it's not even funny. people who had an 8 o clock curfew at high school, but then decide to participate in threesomes and all-night weed sessions in university; people who have never tasted beer until they reached 18 but then decide they're drinking champions and challenge everyone they meet to finish their alcohol; people who ask their high school sweethearts to finish their homework for them but think they're the big boss in law school. oh, the people who have been able to throw their pasts behind.

of course i shouldn't be one to talk, since i've had quite a shady past myself. but what i don't do is i don't pretend. i am who i am, and who i was. includes my shady past and not so shady present. i don't use my experiences to give me extra "street credit", and i don't feel the need to drink and do drugs just to "fit in". and, to be honest, if you're approaching 30 and you're still getting drunk and high every weekend, where do you really "fit in" anyways?

i am so, so unimpressed. folks, take a good long look at reality. doing drugs doesn't make you cool. it just reinforces the loser you are trying to conceal inside, the one all the cool people can see as soon as they look you in the eye.

she spills

2010-02-14T23:46:00.002+08:00

not a fan of writing really deep, personal, dramatic thoughts online, but heck, at least it's not my facebook status. :/

today is valentine's day, and chinese new year. supposed to be a happy day, but ended up being a pretty sad one for me. have i ever mentioned that i hate alcohol? i hate alcohol. it makes people stupid and emotional for the wrong reasons, and it gives people an excuse to act irresponsibly. i hate to see people intoxicated. i hate it x 927523872901. i don't know when i started hating it, but i think i always hated it. i hate seeing people get sick over alcohol. i hate seeing people cry when they're drunk. i hate seeing people's weak side. i don't know why.

maybe because i try to be so strong. maybe because i am always tough, always seem to be happy-go-lucky. maybe because sometimes i think most people don't have the right to be sad. i wish i were more sensitive. but i'm sure everyone can have something to cry about if they tried. oh well. there's always someone sadder next door. sometimes i shut the door. sometimes my heart hardens and i can't keep to let any of the emotions get to me. i don't understand alcohol. i don't understand people who drink until they get sick, and until they're weak and vulnerable and helpless.

because i would never.

on revolutions

2010-02-11T11:42:00.002+08:00

i am always so pleasantly flattered and equally surprised when people tell me that they read my blog and appreciate it. maybe it's because when i compare my popularity with many others on facebook, i don't usually get a lot of comments for my posts, or statuses, or pictures. but i guess i'm flattered that some of you are actually do take the time to read my random ramblings, and are even affected by them.

as a liberal studies reacher, i am well aware that i should tone down my level of "revolutionary-ness". i'm not supposed to take strong positions for or against anything, much less start a revolution against the government in my classrooms. but as a sociologist, i think i have the responsibility to bring light to the weaknesses of our current social and political systems as they are, and to promote more awareness on how these things work so that we may some day have hopes of bringing some real change.

it's a funny world, the one we live in. on one hand, the post-80s generations seems to be more enthusiastic and willign than ever to speak out and make a difference. but on the other hand, we are living in one of the most developed, technologically-advanced, capitalist and materialistic societies in the world. granted, that means much potential for change, but also, it means a lot of potential to be lazy and too comfortable to move.

i remember being a passionate, rebellious youth myself, back when i was still in my teens (*tear). as i've said so many times in my old posts, my eyes were opened to the world during my first years of university. the sad part is, is that if i'm wealthy enough and qualified enough to get my butt into university, chances are, i'm not the people who are most disadvantaged in the system. even though i am continuously alarmed at the way society treats people who are labelled as "useless" or "outcasts", i have won the rat race myself, and am now comfortably enjoying my decent salary in my well air-conditioned staff room.

you see, this is a big problem. because the people who need to speak and need the resources to speak are the very ones that are not getting these resources. and the noisy ones, the educated ones, the ones who do speak - well, let's be honest, who really wants to join the ones working at convenience stores and mcd's when we can be happily complaining about our government when enjoying our cup of starbucks coffee?

i hate what a hypocrite this makes me, but it's the truth - revolutions can only be practical and successful if we have a really rich crazy person who is willing to start it. really rich - with the resources to make people listen and make the right kinds of influence, and really crazy - crazy enough to abandon the status quo and risk the luzury and comforts of living the rich and famous people to help the underdogs.

calling all rich and crazy people.

for you...

2010-01-29T14:59:00.002+08:00

I feel sorry for you...

for you, who cannot see beyond what meets the eye,
who cannot appreciate the beauty of a kind gesture, or a gentle smile.
for you, who judge others before you judge yourself,
who point fingers, being quick to blame everyone else for your own miseries.
for you, who don't realize that the root of your own darkness
is no one but your poor, lonely, unloving self.

i'll keep you in my prayers, in hopes that you will start praying, too.

on politics

2010-01-11T19:54:00.004+08:00

it's been a bit crazy lately in hk politics...there's been a lot of buzz about the post 80s protestors in hk (one of them being a good friend), and a lot about what the hk government is doing with the taxpayers' money. for my canadian peoples reading my blog, apparently the government is trying to push this 69.9 billion hkd project to build a high speed railway that goes from parts of china to west kowloon of hk. obviously this is again, another move for the business people, but not so much for the majority of the middle and lower class taxpayers, some of whom will be losing their homes and dealing with noise pollution in the neighbouring areas.

well, just so happens that i have to do plenty of research and read-ups for my new job teaching social studies, so i am a little more informed (i hope) than the typical hk citizen. apparently the only real "advantage" of this high speed railway is...well, its high speed. if they go ahead with the plan, it will take travelers only 48 mins to get from one side to another. some people wonder whether that small time save is really worth 69.9 billion dollars...especially 69.9 billion dollars that could have been used for other things...like...alleviating the poverty problems of the lower classes, for example, or towards education....or towards helping the new generation afford their own housing...etc etc.

while i have my own reserves about what the government can do with their money, there is something i wanted to comment on. many people criticize the hk police for arresting Christine Chan, but failing to find the corrosive liquid man, who has most recently injured some tourists that were visiting temple street in hk. but as a criminology graduate, i must say, it is extremely hard to catch someone who targets random people, at random places, in a random time span. the fact that the perpetrator chooses to splash corrosive liquids at a height makes it even more difficult to "catch" him. i don't think that the police "aren't trying", or that they're "incompetent", but just that they are dealing with a challenge that is almost impossible to deal with. with the amount of buildings in hk that fit his (or her) "splashing" criteria, how can they ever pinpoint the guy's area of criminal activity?

sigh....i love hong kong?

on thanksgiving

2010-01-10T20:11:00.002+08:00

whenever you have a moment, stop and thank God.

i think i've been through my share of ups and downs spiritually, but every time i reflect on the things i have in my life, i can't help but be amazed by how much God has blessed me. i always ask myself what i've done to deserve such grace and such faith...yes...i mean God having faith in me, and not the other way around. i think sometimes, we forget that God also has faith in us...He believes that we are capable of things that we don't even think we are able to achieve. and i feel like it's really because of His faith in me, that i am who i am, that i've gotten this far.

i think i can easily take a look around me and find examples of people who are more "successful" than me at my age. i don't have my own house yet, don't have a car, not making tonnes of money, not anyone famous, not really anyone "special". but in another sense, i'm richer than so many other people i know. i have a stable career, great friends who are really like family, a family who believes in me, i have a better half, who supports me in everything that i do. i have a vision, i have a dream that i am starting to fulfill...starting to reap what i've sowed. and i did it all with my eyes half closed, with my heart open to God. i guess in a way, i don't like to always talk about this kind of stuff. ooooh i'm so lucky. ooooh God this, God that. but really, that's all there is to it. i'm a lucky girl. i've got a lot of things to be thankful about. and when i have a moment to reflect and think and slow down, all i manage to think about is how i won the life lottery :)

it's funny when i think that to the low times of my life, when i really thought i couldn't make it through. i remember locking myself in the closet, crying under jen's desk, or even...throwing up in the washroom. i can hardly believe that that girl and i - we're the same person. i think after my trip to toronto, i can see even more clearly why i came to hk in the first place, and what i'm supposed to achieve here. after spending more than 2 years in this city, i started to become lost and scared - scared that i would lose myself and my values, scared that the city and its negativity would swallow me whole. but actually, i really believe that God wanted me to be a salt and light to the students in hk. to the youth in hk. it's crazy to see the post 80s (and now post 90s) political movement in the hk people...eye-opening. i'm not going to say whether or not i support their actions, but i do think that the youth of today shine very, very brightly, and that there are tonnes of interesting things going on sociologically speaking in hk.

eudora's next step...get a home!!

first week of WORK!

2010-01-08T13:21:00.002+08:00

i'm not sure how many of you actually care, but today marks my official end of one week mark at being a real teacher! so far? pretty cool! aside from having to get used to dressing like a gossip girl and having to spend 60% of my time in front of the computer and struggling to read chinese newspaper clippings, i'd say my first week went...rather well :)

i've marked my first batch of papers (corrections, but still papers, mind you!), and have become acquainted with many of my students and colleagues. i feel...not grown up at all haha. i thought switching jobs would make me feel more mature and secure, but actually, now i know the problem is not what i do - it's who i am! i'll always be a kid. i'll always agree with kids more than adults. and i'll ALWAYS feel more comfortable talking to students than to teachers. BUT the teachers at the school seem to be more "kidult" than usual, and they are actually quite nice and...open-minded. so far, seems really great!

but i think where i'm most satisfied is when it comes to what i'm teaching day to day. finally, i have the chance to talk to students about what excites me. not only eason chan - but about social issues, about changing the world, about making a difference! i don't want to type anymore since i'm actually sitting in the staff room as i type, and i don't want to look like a freak, but i am just..............happy. period. :D

counting down...

2009-12-09T10:31:00.002+08:00

since Canada seems to be all i can think about lately, i guess that's just what i'll be blogging about as well.
i keep dreaming about forgetting to bring my clothes along, or missing the flight because billy left the house late, or really really stupid things that might go wrong. but actually...i need to focus on what to get people...as in...presents...SIGH!

all this shopping to do, and i STILL have to study for my new job! ARGH! and write one more musical script...and...all this other crap that i'll have to do before i go. yet, here i am, writing on my blog instead of doing anything else. WHOPPEEEE!!! lol...

there's really nothing to talk about here. except how excited i am to be back in canada. i never knew how much i missed it until it's really coming to the time where i'd be going back! i just can't wait to play in the snow and go to shoppers and bubble tea and chill at home and roll around on the big, carpeted floor and take a shower in the insulated, well-heated bathrooms, and TIM HORTON'S, and put up my Christmas tree, and wrap presents, and meet with all my friends, and go to MCBC, and walk down Main Street, and watch the raptors game, and eat yummy hotdogs, and do nothing and not think about work, and eat late-night pizza, and slip and fall on the ice, and.....i can't think of any more.

sigh....just 9 more days...!!!

on changes

2009-12-08T17:34:00.002+08:00

God's been pretty awesome to me lately. i ask for a new direction, i get it. i ask for billy's direction, we get it. we ask for snow, we get it. seems that we're just so packed with blessings lately...and of course once we're up, we get ready for the down. but it's cool...i kinda have a good feeling now for the way life is gonna go. never one way. always up and down to keep things interesting, right?

so i'm looking forward to my new direction. even though i know it's gonna be a challenge, and that it's not going to be easy, i'm glad that i'm finally starting to move out of my comfort zone and grow up a little bit. as dramatic and traumatic my life events for the past 24 years have been, things have always kinda worked out for me. so, i'm hoping to really keep stepping out of my comfort zone, until i feel like i'm where i should be. but baby steps :)

for those of you who don't know, i'm about to embark on the next step of my career ladder - to be a full-time teacher at a secondary school. i'm actually going to be a teacher teacher now, not a drama teacher, teaching liberal studies and integrated humanities - pretty much everything i would want to teach and more. picking up my curriculum and textbooks today, i felt a freshness and a sense of anticipation that i usually feel only on the first week of school each year - new textbooks, new notebook - determined to make it a brand new start...i'll be covering topics of globalization, public health, hong kong today, and all sorts of cool stuff....stuff that will require some studying haha...since...my students probably know more than i do about hong kong society. :/

i'm not sure how i'd do at such a structured job - there's gonna be a lot less freedom, and a lot more rules, including dress codes...BUT, what's more grown-up than being a teacher? haha...i guess it's about time i leave my baby self behind and start living an actual life, following my gut feeling instead of wasting time procrastinating and hiding from something i've really wanted to do, but was just to proud to - to dedicate my life to education. i always thought that i was too smart or too schooled to be a teacher, but i didn't realize what a special job teaching was. i wanted to elaborate, but you know what? there's no need. i'm sure all of us have known a teacher who have changed us a little bit inside.

i'm proud to be a teacher. :)

on liberal...studies

2009-12-02T22:54:00.002+08:00

there are a whole bunch of things i want to talk about...a billion issues i'm interested in. recently, i've picked up the habit of interacting with the newspaper. the more i read, the more i realize how stupid and misinformed i really am. granted, not everything in the newspaper is true either, but in the least, it humbles me to see how out of touch i have been with the rest of the world.

since i've decided to make the hizzle my permanent home for the next 5-6 years, i guess it's time i know more about this new world i live in. and there's so much to know - even though it's such a tiny place compared to Canada, the systems are much more complicated, and there are also cultural differences to catch up with. looking at the papers today, i read an article about families sending their children to local, government-vouchered(?) kindergartens for half a day, then international, private kindergartens for the other half, so they could get both their chinese and english learning before they even start official schooling. seems that the world really is in a crazy race to get their kids ahead...even if it means that their kids are spending crazy hours in the tutorial centres and schooling institutions, and not enough time with their family in the comfort of their own homes.

i guess very soon we'll be witnessing a generation of super-kids, elementary school students who will know more than we do. i don't know what the world's going to be like, teachers knowing less than students, and teachers wanting respect from kids that will feel like they own the world in many ways. one thing's for sure - the world is just gonna get more and more complicated. truths are no longer truths, just temporary states...

gotta hold on to my Rock.

on praise

2009-12-01T00:16:00.000+08:00

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
But my heart will choose to say
"Blessed be Your Name!"
You give and take away
You give and take away
But my heart will choose to say
"Blessed be Your Name!"

on answered prayers

2009-11-28T12:20:00.001+08:00

seems like God's little lost sheep are all beginning to find their way...

on alienation

2009-11-24T22:54:00.003+08:00

is it true? that i'm naive? that i have an inappropriate amount of passion? that i seem inexperienced and unrealistic?
or have too many people given up on pursuing the goal of education for all? knowledge for all?
do i mostly sound like a raving lunatic talking about ideals? is there anything i can actually do to realize my dreams?

have i depended on the wrong outlet? am i just talking to thin air? is anyone listening?

is this what society is supposed to do to you? kill your passions and your expectations? i guess it's about time for me to wake up and realize that life will never be the rainbows and butterflies i thought it would be. i'm an alien. i'm a freak. no one understands why i feel so strongly about the things i do. but i understand.

when home was no longer a refuge for me, i was lucky enough to take heart in my education. had i abandoned my schoolwork and given up on my efforts to succeed academically, i'd never be who i am today. i guess other than my spiritual saving from God when i went to Him several years ago, my second saviour would be my knowledge. i realized that there was lots about the world that i didn't know, and that there was a way to explain everything that happens. the more i studied, the more i realized how many mistakes people have made in their daily lives by being ignorant. i also realized how lucky i was to be given the opportunities i had, and i want to be able to provide other people who may not be as fortunate with more opportunities to be somebody in the world.

but i don't have an outlet. and i am talking to thin air. and while that speech may impress potential employers for a small amount of time, sooner or later i just become another money-making machine for them in their workhouse. this isn't the life i want, but there is no refund. seems that the only hope is to work through the system, get rich somehow, and start my own thing.

so...are rich people the only people who are allowed to have a dream?

on blessings

2009-11-23T19:15:00.002+08:00

have i done this one before? ah well, doesn't matter, since i have so many blessings daily that i probably haven't counted yet anyway.

i've been really distracted lately with planning my trip to toronto lately, so i really haven't been thinking about anything else at all. all i can think about is my escape...

my blog is rather public now, so i guess i can't really say whatever i want. what i can say, is that God is great! He's been listening to everything i've been asking for, and he really just never stops giving. now i just hope Billy can get his share of blessings, too.

anyway. i have nothing important to write about here. will talk again some time.. :D

if

2009-11-20T01:03:00.001+08:00

if religion was the opium of the masses,

then movies are the heroin of the crowd.

christmas spirit!!

2009-11-17T11:46:00.004+08:00

Eudora's feeling all hyped-up about Christmas this year. Finally gonna spend a (hopefully) white winder in Toronto, with all my girls, and gonna take Billy to see all the good things of my childhood!
I'm gonna do all those traditional Christmas-y things when I'm there, like:

- build a snowman
- decorate a Christmas tree
- exchange and wrap Christmas presents
- shop for Christmas ornaments
- sing Christmas carols
- go shopping during midnight madness
- buy an advent calendar
- make s'mores
- send Christmas cards
- kiss under the mistletoe
- have a turkey dinner (WOOHOO!)
- with stuffing
- have apple pie a la mode
- drink nutmeg (i don't really like it)
- drink apple cider
- talk Chance for a walk (this has nothing to do with Christmas)
- go skating (again, nothing)

I'M SO EXCITED!!!! WOOHOOOOO!

on a series of unfortunate events

2009-11-16T10:50:00.002+08:00

so...haven't seen me for a while. and i guess i haven't seen myself for a while either. i've been so wrapped up with work in hk that i haven't had much time to enjoy my life.

so last monday, i left my year-old macbook in a taxi. it's a long story, but that's the main point. it's gone. lost forever. i was really upset when i first found out, but the next day, i felt some invisible fog lift from my head...i felt almost...relieved. i guess it really took losing my computer for me to realize how dependent I really was on it, and how much time i lost in living life, being attached to my computer 24/7. i do my work on the commutes to and from work, and i check my e-mail almost 6 times a day. i feel like everything is about work and making sure i do the very best and make my boss proud every time.

to make things even worse, i took my company computer home, but the internet stopped working almost immediately. i don't know why i'm so jinxed all of a sudden when it comes to computers, but all that trouble with them gave me time to stop and smell the roses! i guess when some pretty bad things happen to you, everything else seems weak and unimportant all of a sudden. puts things into perspective. it's not really the worst thing that can happen, and it seems that my relationship with the people I work with are now better than ever.

so this week, instead of slaving over my work, i've been enjoying marathons of family guy and simpsons with my significant other, and just yesterday, we went to church, met some great people, then went home and put a lego building together! it was so great knowing that we could have so much simple fun, just enjoying life with each other. makes me wonder...why most of us ever have to work so hard for all that money...when sometimes all it takes it one person who really gets you.

:)

on promises

2009-10-30T11:43:00.002+08:00

this isn't as much about promises as it is about Hong Kong. the longer i live and work here, the more i find that promises (at least in the workplace) are made to be broken here in Hong Kong.

there are so many things about working here that i don't understand. why people who aren't good and qualified at their job get to do less but get the same treatment. why people who do well and who do a better job are just overloaded with so many work assignments that they can't handle it. how people can promise you one thing and do another. how people can seem like they like you so much, but secretly can't stand you behind your back. all these things...just don't make sense for me.

there's no such thing as promises here. no such thing as mutual respect. your boss is your boss. whatever he says, goes. i used to be afraid of blogging about work here, but who am i kidding? i'm just lying to myself...does anyone from work, especially my boss, really have the time to read this? to read it, and realize how unhappy i am, and to actually care? care enough to not be a coward and talk to me openly about the problems? haha...please...

and here i have with me a serious ethical dilemma. i've started a few drama clubs and have been rehearsing a number of plays already. i've gotten close with my students and i care about their wellbeing individually. but i hate the way work is overloading on my back, and how people always seem to get away with pretending to listen to me, but turning around to give me more work the next second. i want my life back. i want work to end, when it ends. i don't want to eat with a laptop on my lap (no pun intended), and i definitely don't want to be doing work until i have to go to bed, only to wake up the next day to start working again. i download songs into my ipod, so i could write lyrics on my bus rides (1 hours long, btw) to school. i don't like this life! and i really really really didn't want to say it, but i'm really starting not to like my job, either. is there a way out? will anyone even listen?

i can't believe there are people who make a promise with you when what they're thinking at that precise moment is that promises are made to be broken.

on faith

2009-10-26T00:17:00.004+08:00

it's been a hell lot of praying lately. and for a topic as heavy as "on faith", i wish my post were about something bigger than you and me...something deep and philosophical and thought-provoking.

but it's just about me today.

i've been waiting for a certain answer from God now for a few months. around August, I encouraged my boyfriend to quit his job because i knew he wasn't happy, and wasn't doing what he wanted to be doing. And now, many months later, we are still sitting around waiting for our miracle to happen. do i regret telling him to quit? no. do i feel anxious about the future? maybe...but only because it doesn't seem clear what we're meant to be doing together...what direction we're headed.

today i stayed in to watch a game of liverpool football with my darling dearest. amazing, i enjoyed it. i always thought soccer was the most boring sport ever. i guess that just goes to show how easily perspectives change when it tickles your fancy. sometimes i sit around with Billy, and i just marvel at the wonderful relationship that God has given us. and I'm almost afraid to ask him for more. i just sit there, and think about how amazingly thankful and happy i am, that i have his hand to hold when i am watching soccer with him, or him watching gossip girl with me, and how we can really fall asleep and wake up the next day, hand-in-hand.

maybe that's what i need to understand. that sometimes, that beats having a dream job - i have a dream companion.

happy 24th to me!

2009-10-13T00:22:00.002+08:00

many people nowadays choose to measure their accomplishments or self-efficacy by the number of titles or abbreviations they can put after their name.

Bob, B.A (Hons), M.A., PhD, CFA, etc etc.

well, i thought a cool way to celebrate my own 24th birthday was to give a review of the things i feel i've accomplished and the labels that have been slapped on through the years. let's see...

Eudora Emily Lee, B.A. (Hons) in Criminology and Ethics, Society and Law, M.Ed. in Education, Educator, Teacher, Actress, Lyricist, Playwright, Editor, Demo Singer, Translator, Master of Ceremony, Make-up Artist, Costume Designer, Set Designer, Director, Author, Mentor, Student, Waitress, Manager, Trainer, Lecturer, Customer Service Representative, Cashier, Curriculum Officer, Research Co-ordinator, English Programme Co-ordinator, Bartender, Copywriter, Grand daughter, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Cat-owner, Dog-owner, Fiancee.

Hmm...not bad for 24 years, no? I wouldn't think so.

i guess i could tone down a little on the self-praise. or, i could celebrate the gifts that God has given me and make sure that I make them useful, on top of being known.

All Him, i was just in the right place at the right time. thank God for mistakes...

just random thoughts

2009-09-14T00:12:00.002+08:00

haven't blogged in a while...guess that's cuz i haven't had anything important to say for a while.

just some random thoughts.

is it my problem? i wish i were an easier person to get along with. i should make more friends and less enemies. or frenemies. i'm sorry if i'm sometimes mean. but i still love you. can you love me back?

cool.

formal announcement

2009-08-29T19:22:00.001+08:00

I FINISHED!

I'M DONE!

I FINISHED MY DISSERTATION WITH A TOTAL OF 15941 WORDS!!!

AND I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND FAITH IN ME!!! TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO READ IT! TELL ME IF YOU WANT A DEDICATION!

conversations with a taxi driver

2009-08-27T19:37:00.002+08:00

i know i haven't written here in a while, but there was something that really touched me today, and that made me feel compelled to share it with all of you.

i was riding in a taxi today, after work. i had just finished teaching some students, when the taxi driver decided to strike up a conversation with me. normally, i didn't really like overly chatty taxi drivers, because usually my transportation time in hk is the only time i get to rest during my busy days. but as he chattered away, i began to admire the attitude of this taxi driver.

it started when i told him where i wanted to go, and he quickly confirmed my destination by giving me the names of all the streets and the well-known stores that were close by. He then told me that it's really important for him as a taxi driver to know all the areas of hk very well, so that he knows exactly where to take his customers when they get on the car. he said that you can't depend on the people to know how to get to where they want to go, which is what taxi drivers are for. On and on he went, talking about all the places he has driven to already that day, even though it was only lunch time. To entertain him, I casually remarked that he must have had a good day since he had so much business. then he replied, sometimes i have good days, and sometimes i have bad days. but in the end, it all evens out, and i guess that's pretty much all i can ask for. i nodded in agreement with the strangely deep philosophy behind that statement, marvelling at how optimistic this taxi driver was.

then, he said: "You know, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what kind of job you're doing, but you still need to do your very best. It's your responsibility. Just like how it's my responsibility as a taxi driver to know all the roads. Might not mean so much to some people, but it helps."

that taxi driver...just made me understand the meaning of the word responsibility. kudos to you, taxi driver. thanks for giving me such a brief, yet important lesson in a 10-minute taxi ride.

on reflections

2009-08-16T00:36:00.002+08:00

as I struggle to finish my work and call it a day before going off to my big trip to beijing, i realize what a big part of my life billy is now.

i find that i can't start to write this press release or this script because i want his advice first. i realize that i don't want to start packing because i don't know what i should bring without asking him. i can't find my usb wifi and i need his help to find it. i don't have a power adapter for my macbook and i need to talk to him before i decide whether or not i should bring my macbook. all i have that's stuck in my head is billy billy billy. i can't continue this day because billy is....drunk. haha.

love is a funny thing. i guess normally, when someone throws up all over you and you have to clean a taxi full of vomit with your bare hands and a handkerchief, you'd be pretty grossed out. but all i felt as i took care of my billy lightyear is love, and acceptance, and admiration. i just wanted him to be comfortable, wanted to see him happy and smile. and as much as i feel like waking him up and shaking him and telling him about all the things that i need him for...just watching him sleep makes me happy.

i hope this is the last time.

on the current state of affairs

2009-07-27T18:43:00.004+08:00

the epitome of a modern twenty-something-year-old:

you want to do everything at the same time, but instead, your days consist of sitting at home surfing the net, watching tv, playing video games, or just plain, wasting time.

with so much entertainment, how do we ever find the motivation and the time to accomplish anything? i can think of a million things that are on my to-do list right now...i have to write scripts, make lesson plans, finish my dissertation, search job listings, clean the house, buy binders, buy a dress, pay my bills, catch up with friends, join a yoga class...and the list goes on and on. but instead, i opted to log in to blogger, and write a blog post about all the shit i have to do instead.

is this the description of our modern day lives? that we talk about and advertise about all the things we need to do on facebook, twitter, blogger, and msn instead of actually doing it? where does all our time go? is August really already coming? do you feel like you've barely moved an inch since your last declaration to do something with your life?

i guess what they say is right: with great power, comes great responsibility. and with great freedom, comes great complexities. there is so much choice available to use, everywhere. there are so many ways to get involved, so much information. where do we start? how do we filter things? is there a way to tell us what this all means? to make sense of it all? with this whole wiki-generation, most of us are so overwhelmed and bombarded with the number of choices and things we have to learn that a great number of us just end up retreating back into our comfortable little hole and decide to stick to what's easy and familiar.

...can we have a little structure? can we have a little direction? where can we feel safe? where can we feel like we really know what's going on?

what's going on?

on motion

2009-07-24T23:50:00.002+08:00

coffee usually makes me inspired, but too much coffee can make my thoughts scattered and unfocused.

which is how i feel now.

i went to a WWF (not wrestling, dimwits!) lecture today, to prep for my beijing "tour". actually, maybe i shouldn't call it my tour yet, since things change so constantly in the company that i'm not really really sure whether i'll really get to go in the end. but in any case, i went, and i learned quite a bit about greenhouse gases, and global warming, and all that fun stuff.

i kind of wonder...is there even a way to reverse all this? even if we try to educate the kids now and tell them to save electricity and use less plastic bags and eat less meat and whatnot...is it going to help? obviously it doesn't change the fact that we have to do all we can to try and change things but...seriously, i really wonder if the Maldives and California is just going to be something we read about in history books by the time my kids are in high school.

i really wonder...

sorry, this is a non-productive post. come back some other time...

on looking ahead

2009-07-21T11:51:00.002+08:00

for most of my life, i've lived in the past.
i easily let the things people say get to me, especially certain people who once meant a lot to me.

but now, rooting out is becoming much easier and more routine.
i've always been the one to forgive and forget. and give and give and give until i can't give anymore.

well, i'm sorry to say, that the time is up. now my attention and love and respect is only reserved for those who deserve it, which are the privileged, VERY few around me. i'm walking on and i'm walking on without you.

a break from my "dissert" (don't be fooled by the way the word sounds!)

2009-07-16T21:34:00.002+08:00

so in attempts to reserve my sanity despite endless hours of engaging in dissertation-writing, i have decided to compile a list of things i will do once i finish my dissertation:

- go to the beach (armed with obscene amounts of sunblock, of course)
- give the cats a bath and take them to the vet
- take up yoga (or pilates, whichever)
- socialize more often (who am i kidding, that's just never going to happen. EVER.)
- do a full body check-up
- learn something (i'm looking at piano, guitar, singing, dancing, something that doesn't require hours at my laptop...suggestions?)
- GO ON A TRIP! OR TWO! (one to toronto, of course - i'm looking at you, jen and belle!)
- work on a book
- work on some more scripts

and i can't think of anything else yet. but i will. because life without dissertation-writing sure feels like FREEDOM!!! WOOHOO!

on differences

2009-07-13T12:28:00.003+08:00

there are times when i become a slave of facebook and find myself looking at the very things that upset me - no, it's not going through photo albums of an ex boyfriend, or my boyfriend's ex girlfriend - i'm not THAT bored. but rather, i find myself looking at albums of where i could have been.

in my life, i've given up on a lot of potential friendships for other things. and it actually takes a big effort for me to realize that i did, in fact, give it up because i considered it a lesser priority. why? because i'm really good at keeping things that really matter to me. i guess what i'm trying to say is that most friends rank low on my priority list, because i care much more about my boyfriend, my work, my schoolwork, my wellbeing, and well, ME. not that instead of going out to spend time with friends i take a mirror and admire myself. just that, i refuse to force myself to pretend to agree with things i don't agree with, and be the kind of person i'm not, in order to get the attention i want to achieve.

i guess having a group of friends to chill with and do things with and take lots of pictures with and post on facebook is a good thing. well, for one, it really makes everyone know how "full" of a life you have. but are facebook pictures and statuses and wall posts what really matter? are they really an acurate portrayal of how your life really looks like? isn't it a shame that most of us, through facebook, have fallen right back into high school, with its traps of trying to be someone you're not, just for everyone else to see?

if you don't think what i'm saying is true, just look at your profile picture. what is it? the best, photoshopped picture of you? or maybe, just the best picture taken. or is it a picture that shows you happiest? or with your most "popular" friend? or just a picture that shows who you WANT to be? the fact is, if facebook had a function that would place any random picture of you and post as profile pic...would you be happy? would you be satisfied? or mortified?

i know my life might not be a picture of fun and excitement, but am i happy? hell yea. do i feel like i need to put pictures up of every person i see, every place i visit, every thing i eat? not really. if you want to know how i'm doing, send me an e-mail or an msn message. better yet, CALL me. or, read my blog. who i am can't be expressed by what applications i have on my facebook or how many people comment on my status each day. those who know me, know me. and i have a good, happy handful of those. not too many.

on the way it is

2009-07-09T16:09:00.003+08:00

it's amazing what things i can come up with to write about after being trapped in a 4 hour long meeting with a bunch of school teachers and an English panel head.

while they were yapping away about how spoiled kids are these days and how naughty they are, and invalidating every comment they made in their small-group discussions, i silently jotted down notes on my notebook about the things that came to my mind. it's funny, or maybe not funny, but very alarming, how shit things are in hong kong. and what i'm talking about is probably a universal phenomenon, but it's much clearer and easier to see once we are talking about a small local community that is also modern and advanced with a very active economy.

and it's so apparent that people must be blind not to realize it. in this kind of economy, everyone is desperate for jobs. in our generation, people don't really have any actual idea of what they should be doing. they are just thrown into the world and given bad advice from their parents to just go out and find a job and try it out. but of course, everyone wants a good job, and everyone wants to earn a living, so what we all do is, we all suit up to impress and write a whole bunch of bullshit on our resumes (or get someone else to write it for us) to get the job we want. so you get hired, and because your resume says you have experience doing this and that and this and that, you are assumed to know this and that and this and that. no one cares how qualified you ACTUALLY are, and how much relevant experience you ACTUALLY have. and this is okay, if you are in a field where you have the time to learn as you go without really screwing anyone over.

this is especially problematic, however, if you were in a service industry or a social industry, where the things you do and the way you work directly affects other people. and because i am only all too familiar with education, i will use education as an example. we go in to our interviews, lying about what we're capable of and what we know. then we are thrown into these scary schools, who see us as "experts", and suddenly have a whole ton of expectations for us to meet. but, since we don't know anything at all, we make things up as we go along, and all we focus on is the appearance that we've got it all covered and that we know exactly what we're doing. the actual teachers at the school don't know what they are doing either, so they look to you and assume that you know what you're doing. basically, people expect to receive what they want because they are paying for it. they expect that once money is spent, someone will fix the problem. well, no one will fix the goddamn problem because no one really has a clue what is really going on and how to do things around here. we all depend on a non-existant network of "experts" who are really just normal people doing all their research online. after a while, you realize that the whole world is just as clueless as you are, and no one really knows what they're supposed to be doing and how they are supposed to be living.

it's funny. when you're young, you look at the others around you, and you aspire to be who they are - rich, successful, respected, with a whole lot of possessions. it's only later on, and if you're sober enough, that you realize that those possessions are what they use to mask the fact that they don't know anything at all, and that most people are so insecure in their knowledge, that they are living everyday afraid that someone might reveal their emperor's clothes. we have this incredibly silly idea that you need to be qualified to do everything in the world now. suddenly qualifications are needed to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a policeman, a teacher, a student, an actor, a singer, a dancer, a designer, a writer, a reporter...when in fact, most of the skills you need to know should be learned on the job, not isolated in some silly classroom having some old guy telling you the way it should be. post-secondary education is so ridiculously over-rated, and people feel like they have no future because they don't have a masters degree. i mean, what gives? since when did we have such a lack of confidence in our abilities, and why have we become so focused on so-called qualifications that could be handed out by literally anyone? what's the use of all these universities when half of the professors don't know the slightest thing on what has to be taught? does anyone understand this society?

i hear people around me feeling so lost and so scared and so disappointed in themselves because they haven't found their place in society. about 80% of our privileged generation still has no idea what they want to be professionally in the future. they just know they want to be able to survive and raise their family. i can't believe it! how do people who make 30% of what we make with a family of 5 to feed make it, if we can't? what is there to be worried about?

if you are under 30, and you feel like you are having a mid-life crisis and have no idea where you're headed, you should really consider joining the club. it's not your fault - you were never taught to think for yourself what you want to do. you were given false options, and false autonomy. you were given so-called choices, out of the things that everyone else wanted you to choose. you are forced to take on a label early on in your school life, and while you were so busy with things like love and acne and social rejection, you were also expected to choose the rest of your life. it doesn't work that way. streaming our kids when they know nothing about themselves is the stupidest thing i've ever heard of. all this shit about whole-person development, and alternative education and more choices and blah blah blah - it all goes back to the same, boring bullshit. that we are not letting kids learn, and make mistakes, and fall, and navigate their way into success.

this post is mostly a rant, but i haven't written one with such passion in a really long time. these kids are not spoiled and suffering from only child syndrome - it KILLS me to hear that - they are suffering from a huge lost of direction and identity, and they are starving for love and attention. every act of rebellion is a plea for help: free us from this marketization. free us from the pop culture. free us from the labels. free us from being told what to do.

i don't have any solutions. i am not suggesting a school where we had no rules and where we would sit around all day talking about our feelings. but i do know that an entire generation of children cannot just become collectively spoiled and lazy. maybe it's time to take a look at the monster we've created.

on happiness

2009-07-08T19:40:00.004+08:00

happiness is...

happiness is having a cup of warm manuka honey prepared for you in the morning before you go to work.
happiness is kept promises, no matter how difficult it may be to keep them.
happiness is having someone order breakfast for you before you go off to work without you having to ask.
happiness is having someone wake up every time you get ready to leave the house, telling you to "be careful".
happiness is being held in someone's arms when you read through a script or a story together.
happiness is sharing secrets throughout the day.
happiness is receiving 3-4 calls every day, just being asked how you are doing, and if you're tired or hungry.
happiness is having someone to have dinner with every night.
happiness is enjoying a quiet meal alone, once in a while.
happiness is knowing that people across time zones are thinking of you.
happiness is being able to share your success with people who care.
happiness is knowing that your success means the wellbeing of others.
happiness is knowing that you've left the world a better place simply by being who you are.
happiness is a polaroid picture.
happiness is having cake and ice cream to celebrate time together.
happiness is having someone to share your workload with you.
happiness is having someone who will convince you to share what's on your mind, even if they are tired.
happiness is sundays at home, lounging in front of the tv with an unlimited supply of food (sounds more like gluttony).
happiness is hearing i love you, from the people who matter.
happiness is looking forward to seeing your other half, even if it's only been a few hours since you've been together.
happiness is planning your future together, and realizing that the search is over.
happiness is having someone play with your belly fat, and seeing the loving smile on their face.
happiness is a back massage.
happiness is a home-cooked meal.
happiness is receiving presents, when you least expect it.
happiness is coming home from work and seeing that your other half has prepared for you your favourite food.
happiness is having someone cut the veggies for you while you prepare the soup.
happiness is getting a haircut from your other half.
happiness is to be in love with your best friend.
happiness is having someone appreciate your talents and the things that make you who you are.
happiness is being called cute and pulled into a hug after just having launched a massive bitch attack.
happiness is holding hands while you sleep.

happiness is...

so simple, if you know where to look out for it. I'm happy...are you?

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

on worst kept secrets

2009-07-08T17:09:00.003+08:00

sometimes, i encounter such beautiful moments in my life that i try to get a clear snapshot of it just so that i could write about it later and share it with the people who once in a while come to read my blog.

but memory isn't perfect, and i feel like there are so many things i've missed along the way. but, even in the risk of not capturing the significance and the beauty of the subject perfectly, i guess i must share what i've been thinking about these past few days. i just refrained myself from blogging about it because i didn't think a quite entry would do it justice. i wanted to sit on it and digest it and think about how exactly i could put this into words.

last sunday, i took part in an internal training held by my company. as a quick review for those of you who don't know me, i work for a drama education company, and our last workshop was on transformance. as a drama educator, i haven't even heard of this word since a couple of weeks ago, so i guess i should give you a short overview to get you up to speed. i still am not completely familiar with the concept myself, so please, feel free to correct me if i am wrong.

transformance is an arts-based pedagogy, which uses various non-verbal modes of communication, such as dance, sculptures, painting, theatre, etc to express ourselves. it is based on the concept that learning should not take place in a competitive environment but rather in a co-operative space. transformance relies of the use of these non-verbal arts to create solidarity and inter-cultural awareness between individuals, so that they can gain a better appreciation of themselves and others through the activities.

in our workshop, we spent some time creating our own dance moves from recollections of people from our past, we shared intimate stories with mere acquaintances, and we put our differences aside to realize that the most different of individuals have a striking number of similarities. i took a great trip down memory lane, and received a lot of insight as to what makes me the person i am today. i also gained a respect and appreciation for my fellow colleagues, who were much deeper and much more complex than i had given them credit for in the past. the 6-hour workshop really felt like a weekend getaway, and gave me a small wake-up call as to how i should handle my past and who i am as a result of it.

however, when the question came to whether it is feasible to apply this pedagogy to the Hong Kong curriculum, the prognosis became quickly dismal. many of our colleagues got the point bang-on. hk is just not ready for this kind of change. maybe as a weekend camp, or an after-school acitivity, but a full-blown slot on their busy schedule of regurgitating spoon-fed textbook information? impossible. and worst of all, what if these workshops actually worked according to our expectations - it might be the worst to fear. what if, it acts as the catalyst that it seeks to be, and triggers all the suppressed, unhappy memories of the students? how do we control their emotional outbreaks? how do we settle their feelings without proper training?

however, my greatest concern - and one that wasn't mentioned in our discussion (most likely because it is so taboo), is that, what if students who originally had no major isses suddenly became more depressed and overly self-reflective as a result of "installed" memories by their mates? what if they actually feel the pressure to be spiritual and emotional, and we open the floodgates for psychological maladjustment, when in fact, they could be fine? i don't know....i really don't. but these are heavy, heavy questions, and also why as much as i hope for healing and for myself to be an agent of change, i am sometimes very reluctant to step into this role of Jesus Christ the Saviour to take away their problems. i guess in the end of it all, i really just want to abolish the heavy stigma that the word abnormal brings, and make us all realize that we are all very, very abnormal. and that being treated in a certain way and having been brought up in a certain past does not make it inevitable for us to lead unhealthy lives. burying away dark, heavy burdens and secrets is a good thing - but only when you really have them to bury in the first place. otherwise, it's just an extended self-pity trip, where you are invited to continue to dwell on your problems.

on level-up

2009-07-04T15:22:00.004+08:00

start of a new beginning, yet again. and while i'm still with my company, i'm no longer a drama educator (and therefore, no longer a teacher).

i remember my first time being a "teacher" at FK1. i made some really good friends (and fans) there. i had students that followed me home, that called me 24/7, that told me all their problems at school and home. i had students that gave me thank you cards and get well cards and i love you cards...

and then i went to css. it's still one of the memories that are embedded deep within me. i was so touched by the students, by their love, by their farewell gifts and notes.

as i moved on to more and more schools, the thank you notes grew less, the presents almost non-existent (not that it matters a lot whether my students give me things), and the feeling when i leave becomes more and more familiar. i don't know whether it's me who's been changed by all these experiences, after meeting so many students, and knowing the process, so i don't put as much effort into teaching....or whether i'm really losing the "heart" i used to have. i guess it's a little different when i am at one school for an entire 4 months, than when i am running around from school to school everyday for a period of time. but i guess, anyway, everything has an ending, and here is an ending of another chapter of my teaching life.

my students always tell me not to forget them, and to keep in touch. actually, i never forget my students. i remember mm, and to yu cheung, and cherry, and bruce, from fk1...i remember moz, and natnat, and twinnie, and zuleika, and stephen, and patrick, and stewart, and so so so so many others from css, i remember panpan from ylpss, remember fion and bronte and daphne and rachel and carmen and frances and suki and so so so so many others (pretty much everyone) from st rose, and i remember all my wonderful friends and supporters and my talented actresses from mcs. i remember them all. i remember every picture they've drawn for me, every note, every sms, every word...i remember. because seriously, it's what keeps me going. knowing that i'm a part of their lives, knowing that i've helped them somehow and taught them something, knowing that i've made their year a little bit more memorable and bearable...that counts so much more than my paycheck at the end of the month.

if you read this blog, and you're my student, i want to say THANK YOU. whether you liked me or hated me, whether you learned from me or thought my lessons were just a waste of time, i want to say thank you. i've learned from all you. and even though some of you might think i don't even know your names and don't even notice you, believe me, i noticed. sorry for not always making the effort to KNOW all of you personally. but if you want the chance, leave me a message on facebook. i'd be more than happy to keep in touch.

i hope this feeling never goes away...that i can always love and care and inspire all my students, no matter how long i've been teaching for...that really....means the world to me.

winding down...

2009-06-29T14:19:00.002+08:00

finally, it's all over...and it's time to wind down and take a look at this school year.

looking at all my students' reflections have been very encouraging. that drama was a source of hope and guidance and friendship and challenge to them is really rewarding for me. i don't think they can say the same for any other "class" that they are in. kudos, euds!

swine flu has led to a widespread cancellation of all the schools and camps that we had booked in the summer. the business isn't really affected, i know, but still, it's a little disappointing, and feels a little empty to not do anything.

it's my turn to shine - dissertation: here i come!

on strength

2009-06-26T21:19:00.002+08:00

one of these days, i will stand up for myself.
one of these days, i will speak up for what i believe in.
one of these days, i will speak up for those that depend on me.
one of these days, i will stop disappointing myself and others who placed their trust in me.
one of these days, i will look at all of you in the eye and say what i have to say, just because i know reason is on my side.

one of these days...

just not today.

on the absence of censorship

2009-06-26T00:20:00.002+08:00

it's very rare that i am this candid on my blog, but there is something that has been bothering me...

and i'm a little afraid that people who may not wish to be talked about will see this entry and will be offended by my words. but i say it out of love....and out of desperation, in a way, because i feel like i really need to get this out. and my blog seems to be my best listener at times.

when i told my mother that i want to be a writer and write an autobiography, she gave me a very odd response. she said, i'm not old enough to write an interesting autobiography. and...i call it odd, not because she's not right that a 23 year old may very well not have enough history to write about, but because i feel like she's maybe forgotten the place she's played in my life for the past 23 years. and i'm not just talking about the drugs and the boyfriends, the suicides and the death threats. i'm not only talking about the constant weekends in ny and the run-away at 16. i'm talking about my serious body image issues, that i'm finally starting to understand.

hey, i hear you loud and clear. we all have body issues. if you're reading my blog, chances are, you're an asian female who sometimes feels disgustingly fat and ugly compared to those pictures of those "young, hot models" that are everywhere now in hong kong. you refer to your own legs as elephant thighs and your biceps as "bye bye meat" (a fobby term, btw). but that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about how it feels like to have a mother who's had surgery done several times out of disatisfaction of her own body. i'm talking about being a teenage girl who was coming to terms with my changing body shape and seeing my mom with C cup boobs one day and realizing that she got a boob job along with her liposuction.

as i type this, i'm feeling a little guilty. i don't want to paint a picture of myself as a victim, of my mom as this cold, uncaring and distant milf who only cared about keeping her body well-preserved. but more and more, i see that that's where my self-esteem is coming from, and i find myself feeling inferior or ashamed that my body doesn't look like those of a supermodel. i always think to myself: why can't i? why can't i be hot like that? why can't i be the type of girl that my boyfriend would want to grab and all sorts of things to? i don't know when i got the message that looking sexually provocative meant being loved by my boyfriend.

i feel all sorts of empty inside...and very insecure. it's funny how i've learned to embrace the imperfections and the physical shortcomings of others, but i'm ever-so-judgemental of my own.

mirror, mirror, on the wall...

on fate

2009-06-24T01:23:00.002+08:00

some things, no matter how badly you want them and how hard you fight for them, just refuse to happen.

some things...

brace yourself for the goodbyes, soon after the hellos.

on corporate slavery

2009-06-23T14:37:00.002+08:00

it's a universal thing, isn't it? the dream of no longer having to listen to someone else's ideas about what would be great and do something great on your own...

how many times have you looked at something your boss or supervisor did and thought to yourself: i'd do it differently....(or, maybe, what a dumb fuck!)? i know i'm getting really fed up with the way things are run by those who run it, and i personally think if i have to suffer and work my ass off for something, i'd rather it be my own great failure, and not someone else's. lately i've been thinking so much about being able to just get together with people i love and respect and building a workplace together - one where there are no 20-hour workshifts, no discrimination or prejudice, no office politics - just a clear vision for doing and giving good stuff to the world. that's what work should be all about...and if, in the process, you make some good money - well, then that's bonus.

if you make a good quality product or provide a good quality service that's in demand, there is no reason why business wouldn't multiply. the thing is that people in business seem to be innately lazy and not really dedicated to making good stuff - just stuff that sells. but this kind of shit always backfires...because there are people like me who don't want to work for shit without a foundation.

i really need to start my own business...

on 6 months

2009-06-21T22:04:00.004+08:00

first off, sorry about my last entry. it was something written loooooooooong ago. i just posted it to share it with a friend to comfort her. i'm no longer drowning. i'm floating on my back with a milkshake in my hand and a smile on my face. WHHEEEEEEEEEEE!!

anyway, today is an important day. yes, it's father's day (this wasn't what i was going to write about, but it just came to my mind) it IS special. considering i have never celebrated father's day before i turned 17...today is also billy's birthday. the first birthday we've had together...and i am just so so so happy, and so grateful to his parents for giving me such a great present...occasions for me are usually a bitch. they're filled with extra expectations that may or may not be realistic (often aren't), and tend to put people in a worse mood from a whole lot of expectations that have been left unfulfilled.

but days with billy siu are always so carefree, pressure-free. we could make a million mistakes and the sun could be grilling us on our backs at a good 35 degrees in causeway bay polluted air, but we never stop loving each other nonetheless. he doesn't get angry and take it out on me, doesn't throw tantrums because we travelled all the way across hk on his birthday for no reason, and he doesn't get mad at me if i don't do anything for him at all. he is the only person in the world that i can take my shoes off in front of in the middle of a fancy dinner and touch with my feet, and laugh with me about it until our stomachs hurt. he is just everything i could hope for and more - to sound awesomely cliche.

today is also another special day for another reason. it's 6 months since we've first met. i remember seeing him for the first time, thinking to myself, this guy looks like a little lost kid...but cute. i thought he'd be the shy, withdrawn type, who would be too scared to talk to girls (especially one as intimidatingly hot as me! HAHAHAHAHHAHA) but his first words to me were so smooth and said with such ease that i found myself fascinatingly intrigued by him. i couldn't stop talking to him, couldn't stop interacting with him, and couldn't stop thinking about him from that day since.

he asked me last night, whether i really love him that much. and even though he'll never read this, my answer is yes, i do, i really really do, and there is no one else i would ever want to be with, no one else i'd rather spend my life with, than with him...plain and simple.

on moodswings

2009-06-18T17:48:00.003+08:00

for you...

Every morning you wake up to the same nightmare.
You pray for it to stop, for things to get better, but the next thing you know, the things you fear the most multiply and grow in exponents, and you feel more and more invisible hands nudging you towards the edge.

Mind over matter, euds, I tell myself. You can do it if you control yourself.

But there comes a time when knowing you can do it and wanting to do it no longer converge, and you're left with utter exhaustion, feeling as if you've been left lying in the rubble and the remains left from the battles - battles that you know you've fought hard for to win but still lost every single time. And with each defeat they take away from you another piece of your sanity.

You want to finish those bags of chips. open that can of beer, smoke cigarettes, pop pills, slice your wrists, your hands, your arms, your legs - anything that could perhaps momentarily grant you that vacation you've been petitioning for for months, years, or your entire lifetime.

It's not that you're never happy. It's that your happiness comes and blows you a soft kiss, sings you a 30-second lullaby, and leaves you with feelings of anger and bitterness and confusion. You wait for that anger to subside, to feel normal again, but it seems out of control. You are way beyond exhaustion. You just can't be bothered to tame yourself.

And pretty soon, your nightmare, your darkness, swallows you, and you become the main character of this chase.

You want to be great, you want to achieve, you are struggling to reach the shore, but there is always someone lingering, pulling you at your ankles to pull you back in.

When will this darkness lift? When can I stop swimming?

on legends

2009-06-14T01:36:00.007+08:00

you know what the single most frightening old wives' tale told since the beginning of man is?

the wrath of loneliness. that's right. that's it. loneliness.

not boogey-man knocking at your door, or people putting blades in your halloween candies. nor is it that you will lose all your hair if you have too much sex.

no.

the scariest myth is that loneliness is up to no good, and that it is the one thing we are trying to avoid. it's the legend that we must work hard and keep loved ones close by because we must avoid, at almost any cost, being lonely.

and why, you may ask, is this an old wives' tale? a myth? a legend?

why, because it's all baloney. or may i say, BULLSHIT.

i hear people complaining about being lonely all the time. heck, i complain about being lonely all the time.
i need a boyfriend/girlfriend/dog/cricket/slave/imaginary friend. i'm lonely.
i can't leave my abusive, cheating, ass-picking, cheapskate boyfriend. i'd be lonely.
i don't want to leave work early. i'd be lonely.
i don't want to have dinner alone/watch a movie alone/take a shit alone. it's sooooooo fuckin' lonely.

okay, i think the above examples clearly illustrate my point. as usual, don't get me wrong. just read my blog. i complain about being lonely all the time. i'm lonely even when i'm surrounded by people. because loneliness is a state of mind. and it's a healthy one, too.

what's so bad about being lonely? so you have yourself to be with, almost 100% of the time. well, isn't that the way things are supposed to be? even if you meet your significant other, get married, have kids, have grandchildren, have grandchildren's pets...someday, some time or another, they will leave. yup. you'd better believe it. everything leaves. everything goes. no one or thing will be with you forever and ever, until the end of time. and even if there were this thing or person, you'd probably be so sick of them that you'd induce their own extinction, thus leaving you, inevitably lonely again.

what you can do instead of complaining about the loneliness and letting it consume you then, is - you make peace with yourself. i mean, total and complete peace. be your own best friend. and cheerleader. and spaceship. and reason to live and breathe. we're only lonely because we've placed our anchors on someone else. on someone else who's bound to step out your door for some time of the day, unless you lock them up and make them your own little prisoner (in that case, you are one sick fuck!) so, if you want to avoid being lonely, then you stand up on your own two feet, and avoid over-relying on any one person to fill up all the gaps in your life.

i believe that love should be mutually fulfilling - not always repairing damaged goods and pampering each other like little babies. i believe a healthy relationship is one between two happy, self-sustained individuals. that we'd be damn great on our own, but make a hell of a dynamic duo when we're together. if you work hard on yourself during the times that you feel alone and without anyone to love, the rest eventually takes care of itself. first, if you are working so hard on making yourself superb, you'd probably have no time to be lonely. second of all, and most significantly, once you are this great, wonderful, satisfied human being, people will gravitate towards you and you will never run out of people to fill your datebook with.

so, what are you really afraid of? loneliness? or the inability to admit that you are just too afraid to be great?

give me a break. you are never really lonely as much as you are dissatisfied with yourself.

on priorities

2009-06-13T22:25:00.002+08:00

have i written an entry on priorities before? because it's important. so...if i have, then it's worth repeating.

today, i met up with an old friend that i haven't seen for a really long time. i had the chance to sit with her over some good ol' (expensive) starbucks and chat about what we've been up to lately. i learned that there are people who actually work until 4 in the morning everyday (gasp!), where their only daily activities consist solely of sleeping and working. i went over to her place and saw the most impressive bookshelf (really!) and workspace, and marvelled at how beautiful the view was and how museum-like her house looked. even her cat looked like a piece of designer furniture which fit in perfectly with the rest of her poshly-furnished apartment. it would be my dream place. except...it would never look like that if i lived there because i would keep so much trash and little things here and there that it would end up looking like a garbage dump in a matter of days.

but there's a good reason for that. because instead of focusing all my time and energy on upkeeping a cool looking home and face and body, i spend all my days on gushing over how to inspire and enlighten others, how to love my boyfriend, and how to care for the people i care about. if i spent that much time working a glamorous job that kept me there 90% of my time, sure, i'd get tonnes of experience and lots of exposure, and would probably earn myself a darn good position, or maybe even my own company, but i sure wouldn't have that much time to roll around in bed with my other half, or spend an entire night eating hot pot and watching old dvds, or spend an afternoon brainstorming ideas for stories, or the many many seemingly time-consuming, but equally rewarding things that we do.

so often times, we look at the people around us with envy, wondering how their lives could possibly be so complete and perfect...like a dream. but then we neglect to look at our own lives, and look at the things that we would never trade to receive those things in return. i know for a fact that my friend would give anything just to have a day off to do something simple and cozy up at home, waiting for time to pass. and as for me, of course there are days where i long to have a front-seat view of the sea that i could enjoy from my nicely-kept apartment, but then...where would i keep all my pets, and the thank you cards from my students?

we are who we are, and have what we have for a reason. it's good to want some things that others have and to work hard for them, but, above all - don't forget to weigh in what you might have to give up in order to trade in.

you reap what you sow. and the grass is only greener on the other side when they use more expensive fertilizer.

on things that piss me off

2009-06-11T12:52:00.002+08:00

and since i don't want to write another 10-page long post, i guess i will have to limit this entry to ONE thing that pisses me off.

i hate it when i take the time and energy to write something, or do something, and people i care about can't even take the time to read it or appreciate it to understand me or know more about me. i hate how this is not the first time that's happened, and i wonder really how much people appreciate my presence in their life, and whether it actually matters to them whether i'm around or not. i wonder why i am always the one that's taken for granted, the one that can be pushed aside and left in a corner, because i'll be around when they decide to pay attention to me again.

so, actually, i hate myself. i hate that i lack character and the determination to live without the care of others. i hate that i always have to cling on to certain people, even when they aren't that nice to me. i hate that i have to complain to my blog, instead of telling people to their face that certain things bother me for the fear that if i tell them something they don't want to hear, they just won't want to deal with me at all and will make a clean exit out of my life.

"reading your letters is like homework"

thanks for the gift.

on self-discovery

2009-06-09T12:07:00.002+08:00

it's amazing how much your perspectives change as you encounter different things in life and meet different people.

i remember when i was a university student, and that decisive moment sitting in my sociology lecture, deciding that i wanted to be a professor, so i could share this unique, "privileged" knowledge with the rest of the world and let them know how unfair our world is, and how far we actually are in achieving world peace. i was interested in social movements and making the world right. i was into waking up the money-driven zombies of our generation.

fast-forward a few years, and here i am, teaching drama, and soon to be acting in primary and secondary schools all over Hong Kong. and now i've found that educating people can take place outside the classroom, outside the lecture halls, and could be a lot more effective through different media. rather than forcing people to read a book or bombarding them with facts, you can ease them into buying your side of the story by entertaining them, and making them empathize with the characters in the story or play. i no longer want to be a professor. i want to be a drama educator.

of course the prestige in that title has dropped by ten-folds. but the ultimate goal stays the same - i want to make a difference. i want to open the eyes of others who normally are too ignorant or oblivious to see the real conditions of the society around them. but now i'm thinking...as i grow older, and different things are on my list of priorities - such as MONEY, MONEY, and MONEY to raise a family and maintain my current lifestyle, so may my dream career change as well.

i'm starting to feel it, what others have warned me of long, long ago and what i've always disregarded with a casual wave of the hand. money? blah. i'll make do with just enough. it's more important for me to enjoy life and be happy and feel like i'm doing something meaningful. now that i am fast-approaching 24, and i am almost finished my masters (still have my fingers crossed!), and seriously contemplating marriage, i feel like...where's the money going to come from? how do i make enough to survive, PLUS get married, PLUS plan for kids in the future, pay for their education, pay for all their clothes and toys and ridiculous needs, and still have enough time and money to keep for myself?

which brings me to a revised plan for the future - i can't possibly have kids until i obtain my PhD. so, after i finish my masters, off i go, back to school. hurray? the future is a damn scary place. and i'm starting to realize the kind of ideals i was hoping for before - those dreams of saying fuck it to real esate, fuck it to savings, fuck it to getting the highest paying job possible...those are only for people who don't want or need to get married and have kids and focus on their family. people do strange things for those they become attached to.

on the way things are

2009-06-05T11:10:00.002+08:00

in a way, i'm glad that something like this has happened, so that I have renewed passion and energy to blog.

i could write this blog post as a huge rant about work and how work is in hk, and how bothered i am by the shitty way people communicate to each other, but...i changed my mind. Because the moment i thought about how i should blog about this, i realized the response i would get:

grow up. you're living in hong kong. that's work. all jobs are like that. stop complaining, why do you care? just say yes and curse at her in your head. make a voodoo doll. etc etc etc etc.

then i realized...these are not the type of replies i'm looking for. this way of thinking sucks. that we have to just sit there and take this shit because we're working and that's what growing up means. that's wrong. maybe that was growing up and working in the 1980's. but nowadays, you don't get anywhere by just holding your tongue and nodding obediently eyes averted downwards. you don't like something, change it. you don't think you're wrong, say so. i don't think it's me being immature or not being able to take hard, tough work or not being able to take criticism. if i'm wrong, i'll apologize and make amendments. but if it really, really, really wasn't my fault, why should i take the blame? why should i be bossed around by people who don't respect me? how do young people learn lessons from not saying anything when they are being picked on at work? i don't get it...and why is it such a bad thing to complain about work?

days have changed. i don't believe that you have to suck it up and sit in that office chair that you loathe. if you get blamed for something that isn't your fault - speak up. if your lazy co-workers are making you work harder to make up for their incompetence - speak up. if you are working ten times more than your acceptable workload, and not appreciated or recognized for it - speak up. if you hate what you do and don't feel like you are making a difference anywhere - QUIT. it's your life. work takes up about 80% of it nowadays. why should you stay? people get divorces more often than they change jobs...isn't that insane?!

out with the old...in with the new. speak for yourselves.

you know what?

2009-06-03T18:30:00.001+08:00

time to get up.

on marshmallows/tofu

2009-05-29T22:53:00.002+08:00

i've blogged about this before some time ago, but i guess i'm bored and feeling self-absorbed again, so i guess i'll do some slight repeating.

i'm a softie. i'm sensitive, and soft-hearted. i feel bad for hitting my dog after taking a shit on the floor. i feel bad for getting angry at my boyfriend after he cheats on me (ok, not really, but you get the idea.) and, things that don't bother normal people bother me a lot.

i think it's something i should be working on. but feelings are feelings, right?

okay. that was pointless.

on fuzzy feelings

2009-05-25T01:59:00.002+08:00

maybe i'm amazed

maybe i'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
maybe i'm afraid at the way i love you
maybe i'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
and hung me on a line
maybe i'm amazed at the way i really need you.

maybe i'm a girl
maybe i'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something
that she doesn't really understand

maybe i'm a girl
maybe you're the only man who could ever help me
baby won't you help me understand

maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
right me when I'm wrong
maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you


never really found the use for lyrics like these until i met you.

"we'll face it together"

thanks, my everything.

in moving in and moving on

2009-05-20T23:13:00.002+08:00

finally, i can say i finished my first magazine...will try to post a copy or give you its link online once it's out...but it's been the source of a lot of frustration, yet lots of inspiration as well lately. :)

i've also just moved into my new home - finally! it's looking pretty great...looking through my students' presents and little notes for me really cheered me up. it's good to know that i've made a difference on quite a number of lives...yet, there's still much room for improvement. i wish i could be better at controlling my temper. and not do things i know i shouldn't do.

real excited about things to come though, now that i'm all cozied up in my new home. have a whole bunch of stuff to buy and do, and i finally get my own DESK! WOOHOO! haven't had one for so so so so long....maybe...4 years? wow...

the dumping out process had me a little bit emotional, but i guess it's something that we all have to go through. memories are there, but we've all got to move on...right?

happy happy happy euds.

on self-loathe

2009-05-18T12:11:00.002+08:00

are there days when you hate yourself so much that you don't want anyone to talk to you or be close to you or be your friend at all?

are there days where you just want to push everyone away and tell them to get lost because you see exactly what the problem is with you and can't fix it?

are there things you know you could do that would make you a better, more likeable person, and that could fix your relationships but you would rather stay stubborn and angry with yourself and just say, fu*k it?

well, that's me today.

bye bye.

on "nothing ventured, nothing gained"

2009-05-08T15:03:00.002+08:00

forgive me for being so annoyingly cliche, but i have to say...it's true.

just wanted to share something that i got from my cousin in England the other day. I love it. Because it spells out Eudora. Totally.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centred;
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
BE KIND ANYWAY.

If you are successful, you will earn some false friends and many true enemies;
SUCCEED ANYWAY.

If you are honest and frank, people might cheat you;
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY.

What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;
BUILD ANYWAY.

If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous;
BE HAPPY ANYWAY.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
DO GOOD ANYWAY.

Give the world the best you've got, and it may never be enough;
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY.

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and GOD;
It was never between you and THEM, anyway.

some powerful stuff.

Of course, I am often unreasonable, illogical and self-centred.
Hope you can forgive me anyway.