on family

i don't know what kind of background you come from, but if you know anything about me, you'd know that i'm not particularly glad about my family background.

i don't know what it is about moms that sometimes the things they say (or don't say) can hurt so much. For a 25-year-old who's about to get married, i guess it must be kind of silly for me to still be fazed over something that my mom said. but to be honest, i really don't remember the last conversation i had with her where i didn't feel horrible.

i always thought part of growing up was owning up to our mistakes, and being able to see things in a different light. but i guess some people just never grow out of denial. some people also apparently feel no shame even after her daughter tells her to her face that she made her almost try to kill herself. i've spent so much of my life asking why, asking why i have to have a mother like this. and then trying to love her better, to accept her more, to make her happy, just so that she could magically morph into the kind of person i imagined her to be. it's really taken me too long to accept that the person i imagined never really existed at all - except in my head.

i can't type about my mother eloquently, which really sucks, because my life would make a kick-ass biography. heck, i can't even talk about her normally. i just wish....i wish i didn't spend so much of my time wishing i had another mother. a mother who understood. a mother who cared.